My Angel Baby

I never got to see your eyes,

or hold your hand, or hear your cries.
All I have are dreams of you,
those of which, will never come true.
My heart sank the day that I knew,
I would never get to meet you.
I had made plans, and had aspirations,
if only I had a little more patience.
I never thought the Lord would take you
away from me so soon.
But, I'll never forget that dismal day,
around two in the afternoon.
The day I knew something was not right,
and through many tears I would have to fight.
Now, all I do is dream every night,
about what life would have been like.
What if you really had been born?
But all we have are dreams of that,
and all we can do is mourn.
We will not mourn for you though,
because we know you're where you need to be,
even though it isn't here with me.
You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.
Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.
None of my dreams for you will ever come true,
because of that day God chose to take you.
But, my angel baby you will always be,
in my heart forever, forever a part of me.

Alaina Marie- December 31, 2013

Caring Hurts :'(

Around, all around, the dark memories gather.
My dread grows as the dagger of your words falls against my naked soul.
It mutilates me, and darkly my
blood drips
to the wicked earth that is my prison.
In numbness I cry out
while nothingness follows.
Now alone, my soul falls upon darkened eyes.

This is because of you

Emily

She stands there, tormenting me! Terrifying me! Covered in blood, she is! Black Hair, which covers her face but you can clearly see her black eyeballs. I hear her voice yet she has no mouth to speak. My body shakes, my knees are weak. I fall to the ground, trying to catch my breath. My, body's too weak to take one step. She chants this horrid chant that sends shivers down my spine. "Two souls, one body. One must die, you're mine!" She chants, They scream, I cry, She bleeds. There they are, loud as can be! My head starts throbbing, my ears bleed. This demon, this child, this girl, wow! My heart stops and I can't breathe whenever I see poor little Emily!

My Sense of Humor...Weird

While Jumping on the bed,

she fell and hit her head.

Her foot hit a shell,

She screamed and yelled,

Now she's covered in red!

Nothingness

Should I say or should I not?
Should I go or should I stay?
Will running away help?
Will they find me if I hide?
Pure terror strikes me like a dad beating a wife!
Temptation hits but I refuse to get the knife!
She's here! She's here! Taunting me!
No clue why she's haunting me!
I feel like screaming, but my words won't work!
I feel like running, but my legs are frozen!
Fear is inside me, but why do I fear?
I should NOT be afraid, but fear is real!
Not much to say.
Not much to do.
I try to pray.
Lord, I need you!

From Victim to Victory

I'm daddy's girl but not in the way you think

He walks in the room, my heart suddenly sinks

Terrible truths run around in my head

Because in just a few hours he'll be in my bed

Kicking, screaming, crying, hurt

Pain in my heart, rips in my shirt

Now and forever you'll be a conniver

But I'll always consider myself a surviver

Washing my clothes repeatedly

Scrubbing the foul while rinsing my sheets

But in the end, the truth will come out

Momma believe me, show me no doubt

Show me there is gold over the rainbow

Speaking the truth I should not be afraid of

Fear when I lay my head to rest

Pounds in my heart, face covered with sweat

I swallow my pride and grasp for my help

I'm striving for greatness, I'm taking these steps

I shall write out the process

But until I do better, my body will not rest

Counseling and treatment are easy to speak of

I'm getting through Hell 'cause I'm a believer

I believe in the things I've progressed in

Progress is always a good thing

But when I read God's word I realize I can't fly with one wing

I will be an overcomer someday

By ignoring the bad things that people say

By focusing on my hopes and dreams

Logan Mac's Chicken Song (Original)

This use to make me laugh every single time I watch it. Shoot, it still makes me smile! Chicken, Chicken, Chicken that's right1

Prostitution BACK on My Mind

Really thinking hard on going back to the streets. Back to my old clients. Back to getting what I need the only way I can right now. Time to get their numbers. Or at least 2 of them. I need money and can't find a real job. What else is there to do? Wait on God? I need money now! Phone bill. Gas money. Headstart fee. I just need to make this money.

Demons in My Head

I hear the cries from hell. I see the demon itself. What am I to do other than pray and read the bible? I just want to die. Someone kill me now. I cannot handle this. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

The Fight Inside

If I so much as hear about one more mother fucker putting their god damn hands on my mommy. Ima cut a hoe. You only seen the nice side of me. Bitch don't let me get ratchet 'cause I can get ratchet too. Now let a hoe try Indonisha Nicole Clark! I will be in Memphis pretty soon and don't be the reason I come with my hair in a pony tail and fighting clothes on. Ima stomp you in you fucking face. I don't play when it comes to the ones I love. These bitches just don't know. I'll fuck they asses up with the quickness! Dumn ass duck ass dicks!!! Ugh, I'm so fucking mad!!! Trying not to show it because I gotta perform tonight! UGHHHHHH!!!!!! Don't think I won't beat a bitch!! I'll miss my concerts, fail my class, come to Memphis and whoop your mother fucking asses! Now bitch try me!!!! Ian running from no one!

A Burden to All

I am such a burden on people. Why can't I just be normal? Why won't the hallucinations just go away? I just want people to like me and not think I'm a burden. My biggest fear is for everyone INCLUDING God to turn their backs on me because they are tired of dealing with me and my crap. Me and my illnesses. My schizophrenia.Just ME in general. I've decided to withdraw from the world and go back to holding everything in. *sigh*

Signed, A Burden to All

Voices and the Effects

Right now I feel worthless, I feel like I am not good, I feel I am a whore or a slut. So when people call me those names I don't say anything because inside, I believe them. It is really hard to focus with these voices in my head. Pray!

DYING SLOWLY

What is wrong with me? My math grade is dropping. I'm killing myself. Slowly, but surely I am. Eating less than 600 calories a day. But do you want to know what scares me the most? What scares me the most is that I don't care. Like I seriously don't care. That scares the living crap out of me. I want to be able to take care of myself physically and emotionally. What to do? What to do? That's a question I ask everyday. If my stomach doesn't grown then I won't eat. that's just how I work. I know it is really bad for me but when I try to force myself to eat I end up sicker than I was when I didn't eat. Life is like a dream I can't wake up from. Some good, some bad. I hope I get over it. Well the bad dreams at least. I just want to be happy again like when I was eight and use to look up at the clouds and feel peace. I want those moments again. Growing up sucks eggs. SERIOUSLY! 

Nightmares and Prayer

Waking up in the early mornings because of bad dreams. Nightmares. Too afraid to go back to bed because you're afraid that you'll have another one. Lord, help me. I keep having nightmares when I already have enough bad stuff on my mind. Lord, cleanse my mind, my heart. I wanna have joy again. Take away these bad dreams, these nightmares. Place good dreams in my mind. Good thoughts so that I may sleep well. Grant me peace because Lord, you know I need it. In Jesus's name in pray onto the shed blood of the lamb, thank God and Amen.

Why bother?

Life is a black hole that suck up any chances of me being happy or normal. My family doesn't understand and they treat me like Im crazy. I have nobody to turn to. Who can I turn to?! I swear I can't take this. I feel like giving up and giving in. Like what's the point of fighting when you're fighting a war alone?

Scars and Care

The crimson blood flows down her thighs
But cuts can't change the ache inside
Washing her lifeblood down the drain
She feels relief in scarring pain
To drive away oppressing hurt,
She'll cut her skin to quench her thirst
She'll hide the scars with skirts and sleeves,
But she knows the urge won't leave
And yet, watching from the side,
There's one who wants to save her life
To comfort her when she feels lost
To be the one to hold her heart
No matter what, He's always there
To love, to guard, to show His care
The scars are there, but He percieves
The beauty she has, that she can't see
She hates herself and what she is
But His love leads to promise
That while her harm may make him sad
He'll always be there, through the good and bad.
He'll never leave her, not at all.
To pick her up if he should fall
And so the blood trickles will trickle down
But she knows love and its sound
She'll try her best not to give in
And has support and hope within
The pan's still there, but smaller now
So she will not break, she will not bow
For now she views His love for her
And know He's her's forever.

Change Takes Time

I left on April 4, 2013 and was freed on May 10, 2013. Why do I still feel super depressed? I try to put a smile on my face but those are rare. I can honestly say that I do NOT  want to commit suicide. Being away and in those places made me feel isolated and misunderstood, which I were. They stand over me, watching, listening, causing my body pain from the inside out.I try not to move, not to say anything that would upset them. I try not to breathe. People try talking to me, but sometimes I can't hear them because "they" are yelling at me, telling my to cut deep and let the blood flow. "They" tell me that I'm not worthless and not worthy of love, not worthy of living. I just want them all to go away. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to experience true joy. I'm so tired of masking my feelings. I want to be able to go at least a day without seeing "her" and hearing "them" and being depressed and hurt, but I guess change takes time.

...Life...

It's been nearly a month since I posted anything.  Maybe it's because I was busy with my life. Life......mine came crumbling down Saturday. Her words pierced my very soul. It was bad enough that I couldn't sleep without hearing it but now....I just lay awake at night haunted by my fears while tears flow, rolling down my cheeks like little streams on my face. *sigh* I'm trying so hard to be strong but how can I possibly be strong? I don't even have the strength to pray for myself. Truth is....I'm tired, tired of fighting, tired of fear, tired of tears. I'm at a crossroad in my life and I honestly don't know what to do or who to turn to. I don't know who I can trust because people now-a-days aren't real, they're fake! Fake......who am I to talk about someone being real or fake? I don't even know who I am! Or why I'm here! There is so much on my mind that I can't take it. I'm grinding my teeth trying so hard not to cry. I hate myself when I cry in front of people. I'm at my breaking point....

Dear Diary

Broken hearts drawn in my diary.
Bleeding words, feeling hurt endlessly.
And in this book lies the pieces love has took from me.
And all this rain is nothing compared to all this pain in me.
Diary, Diary, here's my heart
I don't wanna lose it again
Diary, Diary, from the start 
All the way to the end
Diary, Diary here's my bit of privacy
I'm gonna open up to you
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
So dear Diary!

Stuck inside the darkness.
Can somebody stop this silence.
Because silence hurts more than the words.
And in this book lies the pieces love has took from me.
And all this rain is nothing compared to all this pain in me.

Diary, Diary, here's my heart
I don't wanna lose it again
Diary, Diary, from the start 
All the way to the end
Diary, Diary here's my bit of privacy
I'm gonna open up to you
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
So dear Diary!
So dear Diary!

Hold my secrets, my fears,
My desires, my tears!
Touch my thoughts, feels these things
See my fears, feel my pain!
I'm broken, can you fix me up?
I'm falling, can you pick me up?
I'm hurting, deep inside of me!
I'm trusting you, so dear diary!


Diary, Diary, here's my heart
I don't wanna lose it again
Diary, Diary, from the start 
All the way to the end
Diary, Diary here's my bit of privacy
I'm gonna open up to you.
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
So dear diary...
So dear diary...

01.03 Materials and Free Choice

Fiction is my favorite genre and Non-fiction is my second favorite genre. I strongly agree with that statement because I am always reading books from these genres.The last thing I read and enjoyed was my favorite novel by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love. It was the most beautiful love story I have ever read. It helped me to understand that no matter what your background is or how much sinning you have done, God always has a plan and a purpose for you life and also that He loves you regardless of your flaws. God has a husband in mind for me but I just have to be patient and wait. This novel will forever be my favorite book because it taught me so much.

Pollution of the Mind

My mind is poisoned. What can I do to help it. The truth is out in the open. I'm lost in my thoughts. Life is like a dream I can't wake up from. I float through a sea of memories. Most of them are bad, but oh well.

Thoughts

Now,  I want to scream at my child-self, “JUST TELL!!!” I guess I'm blaming the little girl I had been for all my pain. If she would have just pushed a little harder, she could have saved us both. So much going through my mind...maybe it's because I'm blaming myself for what happened.......

Repost of My Song :'(

Pain deep inside, trying to hide all these tears.
Crying blood, where is the love that i need?
And all these years, I have been asking what is wrong with me.
Thirteen years, searching for the things that people see in me.

Why Me? Why Me? What have I done?
I don't wanna be used again.
Why Me? Why Me? Of millions, I'm one
who's survived since it began.
Why me? Why Me? Tired of all the privacy!
Nobody to open up to.
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
Oh God, Why Me? (Oh God, Why Me?)

Stuck inside the darkness, can somebody stop this silence
Because this pain hurts more than hurt does,
and all these years, I have been asking what is wrong with me.
Thirteen years, searching for the things that people see in me.

Why Me? Why Me? What have I done?

I don't wanna be used again.

Why Me? Why Me? Of millions, I'm one

who's survived since it began.

Why me? Why Me? Tired of all the privacy!

Nobody to open up to.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Oh God, Why Me? (Oh God, Why Me?)

Fighting Anorexia

How did I get here, to this dark, depressing place? Up all hours of the night vomiting out my life. I want to get better but my body's getting worse. I lost three more pounds and even worse I still don't feel beautiful. What's wrong with me? Why can't I change me? Tears forming in my eyes and I don't know what to do. I am in so much pain, I can't express it. Physically, emotionally, mentally. This pain I feel inside makes me want to give up on life, but I can't. I have to overcome and be someone better, someone beautiful, someone bold and strong, someone fearless and willing to take chances, someone confident, but most of all, I want to be someone HEALTHY.

Health

Pain feels my body, devouring my soul. Anorexia is alive and well. I fight it everyday but I'm going to get some help with this anorexia thing.

Concrete

Look into my eyes and what do you see? Pain and fear of who I might be. Feel my hands and what do you feel? The roughness from hard work and the bruises that will never heal. Take a walk in my shoes and see what I've seen, go where I've been and feel what I've felt. Cry the tears that were never shed and hurt so much that you just drop to your knees 'cause you cant take no more of this pain that you endure, but you know that there's so much more to life than what you've seen, felt, heard, and endured, so much more to life than the life you live, the people you've seen get killed and for what? Nothing! That same nothing you feel everyday of your life. A life filled with nothingness all because YOU chose to stay down on the ground instead of breaking through the concrete that held you bound, but not me. I'm breaking through the concrete little by little, piece by piece, striving hard and holding strong to my beliefs. Yeah I may cry out God Why Me but deep inside I'm whispering God Try Me. As I push through these trials I look and what do I see? Friends right beside me helping push through the concrete. The crackling sound of the concrete as we hit it with all our might than BAM, no more concrete to hold us down No more excuses to keep us bound. It's up to you whether you want to rise or fall because the choice is yours.