Journey to Freedom

It's been a long time coming. Just in a year's time and I've accomplished so much. Around this time last year I was at the point where I wish I would have died, but God had other plans. After putting an application in at Mercy Multiplied I entered the doors 5 months later on April 4, 2016. That's when then hard work began. I must admit, the first few months were like hell but not because of Mercy but because of me. I was always under attack whether it was emotionally, physically, or mentally. Heck, most times it was all three at the same time. Let me tell you about when the change started. Jane Hamon came to prophesy over ALL staff and residents. It took a whole three days. On the second day, I was prophesied over. I wanted to break down and cry but I didn't. Then on the final day that they were there something happened. Now, for as long as I could remember I could hear and see things that no one else could hear and see. Doctors told me that it was a chemical imbalance. Pastors told me I was possessed by demons. I believed neither. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know how to fix it. Well, on that third day, I was sitting there beside a friend (and I had been dazed all three days) but she asked me what it was that I was seeing. I was in such shock that I didn't say anything. I managed to write this: They are gone. We both burst into tears. My mind was instantaneously so clear and everything seemed so much louder. The voices were gone! Schizophrenia no longer had  hold on me. After that day I was doing lots of counseling and to cover up the truth, lots of lying. I'm not proud of it at all but that's the past. I made many friends and more importantly I found out who I was while being reminded of WHOSE I was. I know that I hurt so many people and if I could go back I would make everything right but that's not how life works. At Mercy, I received so much love from both staff and residents. They will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart! On October 20th, I discharged from the program and started my new life as a NEW me. A FREE me! I've been home for nearly 3 weeks now and I can honestly say that God has changed me entirely with the help of Mercy. I no longer think the same way that I use to and I surely don't act the same way I use to. I should have died a long time ago BUT GOD had other plans! Look at me now. If God can change the life of this sex trafficked, schizophrenic, drug addict, depressed, prostituted and beat down girl into a confident, God-fearing, honest, caring, loving, joyous, and free woman then I'm pretty darn positive that ANYONE can change! Like I said in the beginning, it's been a long time coming! I thank God everyday for all the people he put in my path to help me get where I am now. The journey has just begun!

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM!

-2 Corinthians 3:17

In Christ, I'm NEW

Psalm 17:15 (ESV): As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

I want you to look at this picture and tell me what you see. If you've ever seen the movie "Shallow Hal" then you will immediately get it. When people looked at me they saw the "normal" sized me, but when I would look at myself, whether it was a shadow or a reflection in the mirror or a picture, I would see exactly what the shadow in the picture shows. My bodily image was distorted BIG TIME. Because I had no sense of worthiness I would punish myself. I would look in the mirror and see an obese version of myself. I would say ugly things to myself as punishment. That resulted in battling an eating disorder. I started starving myself and when I decided to eat I would binge and purge right afterwards. This became a cycle of destruction. Recently(at The Ramp), I heard God audibly tell me that I am worthy of love and that I am not alone and when I am weak and can no longer stand on my own, He is strong and is there to pick me up and carry me. Since then, I've been able to fight more and more because I am stronger now. Yes, I'm still fighting many battles but I'm learning to peel away one layer at a time instead of trying to cut the whole onion at once. That'll always leave me crying unnecessary tears. In Christ, I'm a new creation.

Suffering ----> Glory

Psalm 147:3(ESV): "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Looking back on the past few years, I realize that I had hit an all time low. With pain came depression and with depression came more cutting. Yeah, I hide my scars all the time. I keep on my jacket, I wear pants. I don't wear crop tops. I don't wear sleeveless shirts. I should stop. I'm not proud of the scars that are on my body but I am proud of how far I've come. My left arm is all scared up but when I look at my right arm I see no scars. For me, my left arm represents the pain, the torment, the bad memories that haunt me, the many tears shed, the stress, the worry, and every night that I've spent hiding in my room scared out of my mind. But my right arm, hallelujah, it represents my future and where I'm headed. Pain free. Torment free. Nightmare free. Chain free. Clean and new. So yeah, you may be drawn to the scars on my left arm but I'm more focused on the scar free arm.

The Light That Guides Me Home

You say that I should grow up

Forget about my past

Better myself, learn to drive, get a job, pay for gas

I know you want what’s best and frankly so do I

But it’s not that easy when you make me want to cry

You say that I don’t try, that I want to stay down

but you don’t know what demons try so hard to keep me bound

I’m breaking through the wall with my bare fist punching hard

And I know that I can’t do this without God

People only see what they want to see

They don’t see what lies within

The pain, the tears, the darkness that surrounds you’re caged up joy

You put on a smile because that’s what people want to see

It’s unacceptable for you to be unhappy

Then somethings happens, something changes

The you that you try so hard to set free has broken out of the cage

and is staring the darkness in the face

There is a path that you must take

It’s dangerous indeed but you see the light at the end

It whispers “come” and something leaps from within

You walk down that path and different things try to stop you

But you keep your eye on that light and every bit of darkness

seems to fade away

You’re not there yet

You’re still walking through it all

You might stumble and fall

But the light gives you reason to stand back up

To trudge down that horrid path with your head held high

Singing, praying, eyes lifted to the sky

You’re gonna show everyone what you’ve always want them to see

Your joy, the real you, victorious and set free!