tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71484254383858904442024-03-13T21:22:11.745-05:00 Life of an American Teenagerindonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-89302312198777210452016-11-07T17:29:00.001-06:002016-11-07T17:29:11.593-06:00Journey to Freedom<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-inHwa37VTbw/WCEOKmpnUUI/AAAAAAAABBE/3UaQQBcdYy4o3rfJp48YVKRbvK-1zMjmgCLcB/s1600/freedom.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-inHwa37VTbw/WCEOKmpnUUI/AAAAAAAABBE/3UaQQBcdYy4o3rfJp48YVKRbvK-1zMjmgCLcB/s1600/freedom.png" /></a></div>
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It's been a long time coming. Just in a year's time and I've accomplished so much. Around this time last year I was at the point where I wish I would have died, but God had other plans. After putting an application in at Mercy Multiplied I entered the doors 5 months later on April 4, 2016. That's when then hard work began. I must admit, the first few months were like hell but not because of Mercy but because of me. I was always under attack whether it was emotionally, physically, or mentally. Heck, most times it was all three at the same time. Let me tell you about when the change started. Jane Hamon came to prophesy over ALL staff and residents. It took a whole three days. On the second day, I was prophesied over. I wanted to break down and cry but I didn't. Then on the final day that they were there something happened. Now, for as long as I could remember I could hear and see things that no one else could hear and see. Doctors told me that it was a chemical imbalance. Pastors told me I was possessed by demons. I believed neither. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know how to fix it. Well, on that third day, I was sitting there beside a friend (and I had been dazed all three days) but she asked me what it was that I was seeing. I was in such shock that I didn't say anything. I managed to write this: They are gone. We both burst into tears. My mind was instantaneously so clear and everything seemed so much louder. The voices were gone! Schizophrenia no longer had hold on me. After that day I was doing lots of counseling and to cover up the truth, lots of lying. I'm not proud of it at all but that's the past. I made many friends and more importantly I found out who I was while being reminded of WHOSE I was. I know that I hurt so many people and if I could go back I would make everything right but that's not how life works. At Mercy, I received so much love from both staff and residents. They will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart! On October 20th, I discharged from the program and started my new life as a NEW me. A FREE me! I've been home for nearly 3 weeks now and I can honestly say that God has changed me entirely with the help of Mercy. I no longer think the same way that I use to and I surely don't act the same way I use to. I should have died a long time ago BUT GOD had other plans! Look at me now. If God can change the life of this sex trafficked, schizophrenic, drug addict, depressed, prostituted and beat down girl into a confident, God-fearing, honest, caring, loving, joyous, and free woman then I'm pretty darn positive that ANYONE can change! Like I said in the beginning, it's been a long time coming! I thank God everyday for all the people he put in my path to help me get where I am now. The journey has just begun!<br />
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<b><i>Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM!</i></b></div>
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<b><i>-2 Corinthians 3:17</i></b> </div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-64334861244176895372016-03-05T22:53:00.001-06:002016-03-05T22:53:12.839-06:00In Christ, I'm NEW<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XRE9zsj7Gc4/VtuxjYwRq5I/AAAAAAAAA_4/yfg9DhZXqIQ/s1600/IMG_3235.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XRE9zsj7Gc4/VtuxjYwRq5I/AAAAAAAAA_4/yfg9DhZXqIQ/s400/IMG_3235.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Psalm 17:15 (<span class="note" style="color: #444444; font-weight: 400;">ESV): </span>As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.</span></div>
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I want you to look at this picture and tell me what you see. If you've ever seen the movie "Shallow Hal" then you will immediately get it. When people looked at me they saw the "normal" sized me, but when I would look at myself, whether it was a shadow or a reflection in the mirror or a picture, I would see exactly what the shadow in the picture shows. My bodily image was distorted BIG TIME. Because I had no sense of worthiness I would punish myself. I would look in the mirror and see an obese version of myself. I would say ugly things to myself as punishment. That resulted in battling an eating disorder. I started starving myself and when I decided to eat I would binge and purge right afterwards. This became a cycle of destruction. Recently(at The Ramp), I heard God audibly tell me that I am worthy of love and that I am not alone and when I am weak and can no longer stand on my own, He is strong and is there to pick me up and carry me. Since then, I've been able to fight more and more because I am stronger now. Yes, I'm still fighting many battles but I'm learning to peel away one layer at a time instead of trying to cut the whole onion at once. That'll always leave me crying unnecessary tears. In Christ, I'm a new creation.</div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-78422014228552143872016-03-05T22:21:00.000-06:002016-03-05T22:21:07.213-06:00Suffering ----> Glory<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><u>Psalm 147:3</u>(ESV): </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."</span></div>
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Looking back on the past few years, I realize that I had hit an all time low. With pain came depression and with depression came more cutting. Yeah, I hide my scars all the time. I keep on my jacket, I wear pants. I don't wear crop tops. I don't wear sleeveless shirts. I should stop. I'm not proud of the scars that are on my body but I am proud of how far I've come. My left arm is all scared up but when I look at my right arm I see no scars. For me, my left arm represents the pain, the torment, the bad memories that haunt me, the many tears shed, the stress, the worry, and every night that I've spent hiding in my room scared out of my mind. But my right arm, hallelujah, it represents my future and where I'm headed. Pain free. Torment free. Nightmare free. Chain free. Clean and new. So yeah, you may be drawn to the scars on my left arm but I'm more focused on the scar free arm.</div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-71807293158219533822016-01-12T20:51:00.000-06:002016-01-12T20:51:16.117-06:00The Light That Guides Me Home<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
You say that I should grow up<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Forget about my past<o:p></o:p></div>
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Better myself, learn to drive, get a job, pay for gas<o:p></o:p></div>
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I know you want what’s best and frankly so do I<o:p></o:p></div>
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But it’s not that easy when you make me want to cry<o:p></o:p></div>
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You say that I don’t try, that I want to stay down<o:p></o:p></div>
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but you don’t know what demons try so hard to keep me bound<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m breaking through the wall with my bare fist punching
hard<o:p></o:p></div>
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And I know that I can’t do this without God<o:p></o:p></div>
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People only see what they want to see<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They don’t see what lies within<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The pain, the tears, the darkness that surrounds you’re
caged up joy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You put on a smile because that’s what people want to see<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s unacceptable for you to be unhappy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then somethings happens, something changes<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The you that you try so hard to set free has broken out of
the cage<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and is staring the darkness in the face<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a path that you must take<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s dangerous indeed but you see the light at the end<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It whispers “come” and something leaps from within<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You walk down that path and different things try to stop you<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But you keep your eye on that light and every bit of
darkness <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
seems to fade away<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’re not there yet<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’re still walking through it all<o:p></o:p></div>
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You might stumble and fall<o:p></o:p></div>
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But the light gives you reason to stand back up<o:p></o:p></div>
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To trudge down that horrid path with your head held high<o:p></o:p></div>
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Singing, praying, eyes lifted to the sky<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’re gonna show everyone what you’ve always want them to
see<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your joy, the real you, victorious and set free!<o:p></o:p></div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-87453080086124569962015-12-07T02:21:00.002-06:002015-12-07T02:21:11.499-06:00A Step Toward Freedom<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm tired of being this way. Living with all this pain yet feeling too afraid to tell someone that I'm hurting because I'm fearful of being rejected and judged. I've been shutting down, mentally and emotionally. I feel like if I talk to people about their day and how they're doing and just keep them talking about themselves then I don't have to talk about myself. I'm just trying to find a way to maintain an okay life without drawing attention to myself in any way, whether it be good or bad. My mental health is really bad but guess who got a new mask to hide it..I did. People ask me how I'm doing and I respond by saying "I'm fine" when that could mean so many different things but I won't say that because I don't want them asking questions. While reading this I ask myself "Has my life really come to this?" I remember a time where I would imagine myself as an adult who was no longer in pain and who was really happy with her life and what she had become in spite of everything that had tried to keep her bound. I wish I could be that person. If I were able to have a conversation with my younger self she would have no hope for her future. I need help. I want help. Real help. I want to make younger me proud and give her things to look forward to. I want to no longer be a disappointment to everyone I encounter. I don't want to be always in pain and always sad. I want to take the mask off and never have to put it back on again. I want to discover who I am. I want self-confidence, self-worth. I want some kind of positive self-esteem. I just want to be free. I want to climb the mountain of pain and suffering to reach the top where freedom is. Where I am standing on top of it all and I am just at peace. Where I am full of true joy. Where I know who I am and I am making a difference in other people's lives because of my decision to fight. I'm ready for a change, but where do I start?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
"There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain."</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
-Rick Warren</div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-26164409007699986382015-11-18T05:37:00.001-06:002015-11-18T05:37:52.377-06:00Spiraling Downward<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've been sick for over a week, since my birthday to be exact. The pain was so intense that I felt like I was being punished for even being born. I mean yeah I have done lots of stuff to deserve it but I guess I never really thought that I would actually have to continue getting punished for being born. As the pain died down I was strong enough to hangout with my boyfriend, or EX-boyfriend. In a weak moment of letting my guard down I had sex. During, I didn't feel anything. No emotion. No pleasure. Nothing. Afterward, I felt pain, both physical and emotional. As we laid there I wanted so badly to cry but I mustn't show signs of weakness. I felt shame, disgust, terror, and confusion. After he left, I questioned my whole life and I realized something. I don't know who I am. I know who I want people to see and I kind of have an idea of who I want to be but as of right now, in this moment, I am lost in the storm of life unable to find shelter. Am I just destined to stay in the same cycle? To be the girl my parents created so that people can use me? Am I still brain washed into believing that I am just the mistake that my parents made one night? Am I just a tool? A product of a lifetime of abuse? My life is just spiraling downward at record speed into a deep, dark abyss. Is this who I've become or is it who I've always been but too afraid to show?</span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-caO2K3Jyd7c/VkxivCWVhTI/AAAAAAAAA9s/V_huuq5VE1E/s1600/I%2Bam.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-caO2K3Jyd7c/VkxivCWVhTI/AAAAAAAAA9s/V_huuq5VE1E/s400/I%2Bam.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-29183739891432857252015-10-29T19:37:00.004-05:002015-10-29T19:37:55.029-05:00Heaven Is Real and So Is Hell<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Okay so as we all know, yesterday was Wednesday. I went to church with something heavily weighing on my heart but being me I just pretended to be happy. Well worship started and I just could not seem to get into his presence. It had been nearly a month since I was about to get in God's presence. Anyways, I was in some deep doubt about if God even existed anymore and at that moment I made myself believe that God wasn't real. I immediately saw myself burning in hell. I quickly said, "I believe". That was by far the most frightening thing I had ever experienced in my life! At first I just stood there both emotion and motionless and as people began to pray over me I broke down. It was like a wrecking ball breaking through a wall of bricks. I soon began to enter into His presence. I cried so much that my contact came out(I didn't lose it).After church I went home and I worshiped until maybe 4:30 a.m. I didn't want to leave his presence because it had been so long since I'd been in it. I finally passed out and slept after a while.</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-33907513339566749322015-10-26T21:32:00.002-05:002015-10-26T21:37:43.592-05:00Being Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I don't know if I can do this anymore. I can't keep living like this. Pretending to be okay all the time. Only showing people one emotion ( happy ). That's not real. That's not me. I want to be happy but I'm not. I'm so tired of pretending but I'm more afraid to remove the mask and show what's underneath. Every single night I fight the urge to end it all. I win the battle but the battle leaves scars. Too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on I put on a smile and be the girl who everyone knows as always being happy. There is no room for any other emotion. Lately I've been having days where I am very quiet. It's the cracks in my mask that expose the real me. I quickly seal the cracks and return to pretending to be happy. If you knew the things I'm going through you wouldn't have words to say. I'm at war. Fighting for my life. There are small victories and there are also many losses. Things seem to be getting harder and harder to deal with. Who am I? What does it feel like to be me? Words cannot begin to describe what it's like to be me.</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-32659816889326578512015-10-14T23:21:00.000-05:002015-10-14T23:21:02.897-05:00Step-By-Step Evangalism<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Step One: Go!</li>
<li>Step Two: Connect with an unbeliever!</li>
<li>Step Three: Have an INTENTIONAL conversation!</li>
<li>Step Four: Share the gospel!</li>
<ul>
<li>Use the "Gospel Tool Belt":</li>
<li>Testimony</li>
<li>Prophecy</li>
<li>Serving</li>
<li>Signs/Wonders</li>
<li>Relationship</li>
<li>Outreach Events</li>
</ul>
<li>Step Five: Follow-up with them!</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Discipleship is teaching someone how to obey Jesus.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">"<span class="text Matt-28-16" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">16 </span>Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24212A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24212A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><span class="text Matt-28-17" id="en-NIV-24213" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">17 </span>When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><span class="text Matt-28-18" id="en-NIV-24214" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">18 </span>Then Jesus came to them and said, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24214B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24214B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><span class="text Matt-28-19" id="en-NIV-24215" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">19 </span>Therefore go and make disciples of all nations,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24215C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24215C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span>baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24215D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24215D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"></span><span class="text Matt-28-20" id="en-NIV-24216" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">20 </span>and teaching<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24216E" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24216E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24216F" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24216F" title="See cross-reference F">F</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> always, to the very end of the age.” </span></span></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b style="line-height: 24px;">-Matthew 28:16-20</b></div>
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<b style="line-height: 24px;"><br /></b></div>
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<b style="line-height: 24px;"><br /></b></div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-49475717473243552092015-09-22T21:28:00.005-05:002015-09-22T21:28:58.646-05:00You Know That You're Alone<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
When you need a shoulder to cry on,<br />
but no one is there for you<br />
you know that you're alone.<br />
When you sit down to eat<br />
and you're the only one at the table<br />
you know that you're alone.<br />
When you have no friends,<br />
not even family<br />
you know that you're alone.<br />
When you tell someone you're having a bad day<br />
and they ignore the statement<br />
you know that you're alone.<br />
When you think you've finally made friends<br />
but they treat you like crap<br />
you know that you're alone.<br />
When you write a poem about yourself<br />
knowing no one will see<br />
because you feel so alone.</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-10029222924645688282015-09-20T02:05:00.004-05:002015-09-20T02:05:25.921-05:00Rebecca Lyn (Faith)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">You
are a great person and I love you so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">You
help me stay sane when my mind starts to go,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">To
the dark places that lie within.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">You
are my sister, my goofball, my best friend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">I
know I’m harsh sometimes but it’s not because of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">It’s
just that sometimes I wish I could walk in your shoes,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">And
have a family, like yours, who loves each other so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">Seeing
your smile is like eating a raw batch of cookie dough, it’s great!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">You
make me laugh. You make me smile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">When
I’m with you I feel like I could run 5 miles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">I’m
sorry if I hurt you. I’m sorry for being rude.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;">I
want you to know that when we are together I feel like dancing a jig and
singing a toon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif;"> Signed,</span></div>
<br />
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BFFLIC<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-48838163775506687242015-09-17T01:14:00.003-05:002015-09-17T01:14:51.642-05:00These Are My Pieces<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
These are my pieces, but not my whole.<br />
I am more than this flesh and blood.<br />
My skin does not portray who/what lies beneath.<br />
My smile does not really show how I feel<br />
and my eyes do not allow you to see my depth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am no longer an object of someone else’s will,<br />
but a prisoner to my own body.<br />
My body does not feel like it belongs to me.<br />
For so long it was not given a say<br />
and was forcibly maneuvered by another.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even my mind seems to be dictated<br />
by my own body's sensations.<br />
A simple touch of my arm can trigger a memory.<br />
My hand hesitates to make contact<br />
with even ones I love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of these pieces while built together, feel disjointed.<br />
My lips long for a long compassionate kiss,<br />
but my hand will freely push it away.<br />
My arms cry out to be wrapped in another’s,<br />
but my body quickly tightens<br />
responding to a perceived attack.<br />
My body while flaunted is self-conscious<br />
of how it will be judged.<br />
It is a vessel of unknown.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Each touch is a switch<br />
that triggers a new or old memory.<br />
A personal home theater of years past,<br />
many showing reruns that had long been forgotten<br />
or simply waiting for the right time.<br />
My home movies are nightmares<br />
that give understanding to my body's reactions.<br />
Unlike nightmares, I can not wake up<br />
and say it was just a dream.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have tried to rationalize<br />
with both my mind and body, but it yields to the past.<br />
They are a great puzzle<br />
that I am slowly piecing together.<br />
The picture of who I am<br />
becomes clearer with each piece,<br />
and like most children’s toys, the result is often<br />
not as spectacular as you had hoped.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can I see who I am becoming<br />
without finishing the puzzle?<br />
The pieces have slowly come together<br />
to create a gruesome picture of who I was.<br />
The pieces cannot be reconfigured<br />
to change the ultimate image;<br />
my picture of my past will always be the same.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only difference now lies<br />
in how I choose to view it in the future.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-37394353831535593282015-08-23T04:45:00.004-05:002015-08-23T04:45:53.995-05:00Not ALL Disabilities Are Visible<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Not ALL disabilities are visible.I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, depression and anxiety disorder. I have mental illnesses but you would have never known if I hadn't have told you. People are so quick to judge and even quicker to say that someone is lying about having a disability. As stated by the Invisible Disability Association, "<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 26px; text-align: justify;">An illness or injury is considered chronic, when it lasts a year or longer, limits activity and may require ongoing care. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 26px; text-align: justify;">Not everyone with a chronic condition has the same symptoms or degree of symptoms. Some have mild complications and with a little adjustment in their diets or schedules, they can lead a pretty “normal” life. Some have to make bigger changes, sacrificing various activities or their work situations in order to contend with their conditions. Others become so ill they are unable to work at all and struggle just to meet life’s daily needs."</span> I was hospitalized A LOT on account of my illnesses. Once I was in the hospital for so long that I barely made it to my high school graduation. I mean no one likes to be sick or in pain. Just because a person doesn't look sick or seems to be "normal" doesn't mean they aren't fight a war that, at times, feels like they are losing. It is not easy living with a disability. Sometimes I pray, crying out to God, asking and begging him to make me "normal". Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore but then I remember that my story could help someone else. Most people that are living with disabilities don't want to give up so even when they are feeling their worst they put on a smile and they just keep swimming.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LpzbO5ZkI5E/VdmWGlljdKI/AAAAAAAAA70/SEKVlKieKD4/s1600/tumblr_mub6pqIY1c1so1z99o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LpzbO5ZkI5E/VdmWGlljdKI/AAAAAAAAA70/SEKVlKieKD4/s400/tumblr_mub6pqIY1c1so1z99o1_500.jpg" width="332" /></a></div>
</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-68484594965663912342015-07-27T15:58:00.001-05:002015-07-27T15:58:20.147-05:00"It Is Finished"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
When I hear "It Is Finished" I go into deep thought about what it actually means. When Jesus said "It IS Finished" before he died on Calvary's Cross seven things happened. The seven things are as followed:<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Forgiveness was offered.</li>
<li>Salvation was offered.</li>
<li>Love was offered.</li>
<li>Sin was defeated.</li>
<li>No more suffering.</li>
<li>Victory won!</li>
<li>OUR RESTORATION WAS MADE POSSIBLE!</li>
</ul>
So when you hear that phrase be thankful and think not only about the words but the deeper meaning as well.<br />
<br /></div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-32317969968719342482015-07-27T15:49:00.001-05:002015-07-27T15:49:55.948-05:00What True Salvation Looks Like<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There are signs that accompany TRUE salvation.</span><br />
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sorrow and hatred</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Humility and self abandonment</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The peace of God in our conscience</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Godly fear that leads to obedience</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A diligent perseverance</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The spirit of prayer that leads to joyful expectations</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">TRUE faith that leads to fulfillment of Gods promises</span></li>
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-21386245442627601192015-02-24T20:22:00.000-06:002015-02-24T20:22:02.268-06:00R.I.P. Granddaddy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, last Wednesday, February 18, 2015, my granddaddy died around 7 am. This is really hard for my family and me. The funeral is this Saturday but I already had plans to go to the Ramp. I just want to see him one more time to say goodbye for now. I know for a fact that he is in heaven watching over us. He was diagnosed with bone cancer and his health was deteriorating and fast. He lost lots of weight and was in lots of pain. At least now he is with God and is happy and pain-free. God I pray and ask you to comfort us. Even if you don't comfort me, please comfort grandma and my family. I was told today that Tori watched as they covered his body. I just pray that she is not traumatized. Lord please be with her. Please be with my family. I love them and I can't stand to see them hurting. In Jesus's name, I ask these things. Amen.<br />
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This picture is from 3 years ago. They were married for 17 years. He loved her so much and she, him.<br />
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-76342003407660944342015-02-10T09:50:00.000-06:002015-03-07T02:27:37.850-06:00Flying Free<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Where is the girl I use to be?<br />
Happy and laughing, feeling so free.<br />
As I examine myself to answer the question,<br />
I found that she's hidden away deep inside me.<br />
How do I rescue her? How do I set her free?<br />
I ask God and he tells me,"She's not hidden.<br />
You've set her free. I can see that because you're smiling.<br />
No more sorrow. No more pain. You've let go of the past.<br />
You're living for ME. That's the way it ought to be.<br />
I'm proud of you. Now can you see? Look in the mirror.<br />
The girl you use to be is flying free!"<br />
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indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-65278662068286044122014-11-19T16:32:00.001-06:002014-11-19T16:32:03.923-06:00What did I see?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
When first looking into the mirror my mind went on autopilot. So many thoughts ran through my mind. My eyes began to water, but I held back my tears. Eyes burning like my feet on hot sand. When asked the question "What did I see?" I reply, "I saw something". I did not see someone, a human, nor did I see joy. I saw a tool to be used and abused. Oddly, I saw a tool that was lost in the dark, separated from the toolbox. So when you ask me "What did I see?", I tell you that I did not see me.</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-13137934281571368032014-11-10T09:25:00.001-06:002014-11-10T09:25:11.275-06:00Just Because<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Just Because you cursed me out,<br />
I got mad at you.<br />
Just Because you said my name,<br />
I rolled my eyes too.<br />
Just Because you looked at me,<br />
I stared back at you.<br />
And on that day I got in trouble<br />
Just Because of you.</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-2764036004373019322014-08-14T23:17:00.001-05:002014-08-14T23:17:32.266-05:00Loss of friends....Loss of heart....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I smile and laugh like everything is okay, but the truth is...I can't get it out of my head....I hear the gunshot over and over and over again. I hear the phone hitting the floor then next his body hitting the floor....last night I dreamed that while on the phone with him I traveled through the phone and I was there with him right as he shot himself. I couldn't move and I couldn't speak. I screamed but not a sound came out....I saw his brain get blown out of his head and watched, in tears, as his body fell to the floor. I watched in horror as his blood formed a huge puddle until it was all around my feet. I remember seeing his lifeless body laying there on the floor and there was nothing I could do to bring him back....I just think that maybe I could have said something differently...maybe I could have tried to contact him earlier in llife to check up on him...I could have done SOMETHING.....sigh....just the life of an american teenager</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-87013374095096692902014-02-10T10:09:00.000-06:002014-02-10T10:09:03.845-06:00Today's World<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I'm sitting here thinking of some recent events that have occurred and are still occurring in my life right now. And I'm noticing that 1 big problem with it all is that there is a vast lack of compassion. People act as if caring for someone or something without reason is just the hardest thing in the world. I don't understand! And I especially see this with the men of today's world. Why do you always have to have a reason to JUST CARE!?!? I see women everyday doing for their family and friends and spouses just because, BUT A MAN....... You can barely ask a dude for a cup of water and he go off and get mad because "he just sat down" or he asking you what he gonna get in return for doing something for you. And along with that type of attitude and lack of compassion then comes a lack of gentlemen. I mean ladies think about it, how often do you get men to hold open doors and lend you a hand JUST BECAUSE without wanting something in return? Hardly ever right? It just doesn't make sense to me how things are.</span></div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-58673826597389965452014-02-06T17:39:00.002-06:002014-02-06T17:39:34.819-06:00Sickness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
She shows up and I get sick. Sick meaning throwing up and body temperature below normal body temperature. What do I do? I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel like moving and NOT being alone.</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-51544921639990232142013-12-31T17:23:00.005-06:002015-03-07T02:23:56.095-06:00My Angel Baby<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<h1 class="title fn" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 1px 0px; padding: 3px 0px;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 22px;">I never got to see your eyes,</span></h1>
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or hold your hand, or hear your cries.<br />
All I have are dreams of you,<br />
those of which, will never come true.<br />
My heart sank the day that I knew,<br />
I would never get to meet you.<br />
I had made plans, and had aspirations,<br />
if only I had a little more patience.<br />
I never thought the Lord would take you<br />
away from me so soon.<br />
But, I'll never forget that dismal day,<br />
around two in the afternoon.<br />
The day I knew something was not right,<br />
and through many tears I would have to fight.<br />
Now, all I do is dream every night,<br />
about what life would have been like.<br />
What if you really had been born?<br />
But all we have are dreams of that,<br />
and all we can do is mourn.<br />
We will not mourn for you though,<br />
because we know you're where you need to be,<br />
even though it isn't here with me.<br />
You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.<br />
Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.<br />
None of my dreams for you will ever come true,<br />
because of that day God chose to take you.<br />
But, my angel baby you will always be,<br />
in my heart forever, forever a part of me.<br />
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Alaina Marie- December 31, 2013</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-3864392000120212452013-12-28T21:34:00.004-06:002013-12-28T21:35:13.262-06:00Caring Hurts :'(<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">Around, all around, the dark memories gather.</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">My dread grows as the dagger of your words falls against my naked soul.</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">It mutilates me, and darkly my</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">blood drips</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">to the wicked earth that is my prison.</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">In numbness I cry out</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">while nothingness follows.</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">Now alone, my soul falls upon darkened eyes.</span><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">This is because of you</span></span></div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148425438385890444.post-62661315364004438352013-12-27T16:13:00.000-06:002013-12-27T16:13:01.739-06:00Emily<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
She stands there, tormenting me! Terrifying me! Covered in blood, she is! Black Hair, which covers her face but you can clearly see her black eyeballs. I hear her voice yet she has no mouth to speak. My body shakes, my knees are weak. I fall to the ground, trying to catch my breath. My, body's too weak to take one step. She chants this horrid chant that sends shivers down my spine. "Two souls, one body. One must die, you're mine!" She chants, They scream, I cry, She bleeds. There they are, loud as can be! My head starts throbbing, my ears bleed. This demon, this child, this girl, wow! My heart stops and I can't breathe whenever I see poor little Emily!</div>
indonishachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14267910870985090047noreply@blogger.com2