Nicole and Tori's Adventure

Nicole and Tori's Adventure
She is my world and my motivation. I cannot imagine life without her. Since the day she was born, she has always been the reason I breathe. I love you Tori!

Monday, November 7, 2016

Journey to Freedom

It's been a long time coming. Just in a year's time and I've accomplished so much. Around this time last year I was at the point where I wish I would have died, but God had other plans. After putting an application in at Mercy Multiplied I entered the doors 5 months later on April 4, 2016. That's when then hard work began. I must admit, the first few months were like hell but not because of Mercy but because of me. I was always under attack whether it was emotionally, physically, or mentally. Heck, most times it was all three at the same time. Let me tell you about when the change started. Jane Hamon came to prophesy over ALL staff and residents. It took a whole three days. On the second day, I was prophesied over. I wanted to break down and cry but I didn't. Then on the final day that they were there something happened. Now, for as long as I could remember I could hear and see things that no one else could hear and see. Doctors told me that it was a chemical imbalance. Pastors told me I was possessed by demons. I believed neither. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know how to fix it. Well, on that third day, I was sitting there beside a friend (and I had been dazed all three days) but she asked me what it was that I was seeing. I was in such shock that I didn't say anything. I managed to write this: They are gone. We both burst into tears. My mind was instantaneously so clear and everything seemed so much louder. The voices were gone! Schizophrenia no longer had  hold on me. After that day I was doing lots of counseling and to cover up the truth, lots of lying. I'm not proud of it at all but that's the past. I made many friends and more importantly I found out who I was while being reminded of WHOSE I was. I know that I hurt so many people and if I could go back I would make everything right but that's not how life works. At Mercy, I received so much love from both staff and residents. They will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart! On October 20th, I discharged from the program and started my new life as a NEW me. A FREE me! I've been home for nearly 3 weeks now and I can honestly say that God has changed me entirely with the help of Mercy. I no longer think the same way that I use to and I surely don't act the same way I use to. I should have died a long time ago BUT GOD had other plans! Look at me now. If God can change the life of this sex trafficked, schizophrenic, drug addict, depressed, prostituted and beat down girl into a confident, God-fearing, honest, caring, loving, joyous, and free woman then I'm pretty darn positive that ANYONE can change! Like I said in the beginning, it's been a long time coming! I thank God everyday for all the people he put in my path to help me get where I am now. The journey has just begun!

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM!
-2 Corinthians 3:17

Saturday, March 5, 2016

In Christ, I'm NEW

Psalm 17:15 (ESV): As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.
I want you to look at this picture and tell me what you see. If you've ever seen the movie "Shallow Hal" then you will immediately get it. When people looked at me they saw the "normal" sized me, but when I would look at myself, whether it was a shadow or a reflection in the mirror or a picture, I would see exactly what the shadow in the picture shows. My bodily image was distorted BIG TIME. Because I had no sense of worthiness I would punish myself. I would look in the mirror and see an obese version of myself. I would say ugly things to myself as punishment. That resulted in battling an eating disorder. I started starving myself and when I decided to eat I would binge and purge right afterwards. This became a cycle of destruction. Recently(at The Ramp), I heard God audibly tell me that I am worthy of love and that I am not alone and when I am weak and can no longer stand on my own, He is strong and is there to pick me up and carry me. Since then, I've been able to fight more and more because I am stronger now. Yes, I'm still fighting many battles but I'm learning to peel away one layer at a time instead of trying to cut the whole onion at once. That'll always leave me crying unnecessary tears. In Christ, I'm a new creation.

Suffering ----> Glory

Psalm 147:3(ESV): "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Looking back on the past few years, I realize that I had hit an all time low. With pain came depression and with depression came more cutting. Yeah, I hide my scars all the time. I keep on my jacket, I wear pants. I don't wear crop tops. I don't wear sleeveless shirts. I should stop. I'm not proud of the scars that are on my body but I am proud of how far I've come. My left arm is all scared up but when I look at my right arm I see no scars. For me, my left arm represents the pain, the torment, the bad memories that haunt me, the many tears shed, the stress, the worry, and every night that I've spent hiding in my room scared out of my mind. But my right arm, hallelujah, it represents my future and where I'm headed. Pain free. Torment free. Nightmare free. Chain free. Clean and new. So yeah, you may be drawn to the scars on my left arm but I'm more focused on the scar free arm.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Light That Guides Me Home

You say that I should grow up
Forget about my past
Better myself, learn to drive, get a job, pay for gas
I know you want what’s best and frankly so do I
But it’s not that easy when you make me want to cry
You say that I don’t try, that I want to stay down
but you don’t know what demons try so hard to keep me bound
I’m breaking through the wall with my bare fist punching hard
And I know that I can’t do this without God
People only see what they want to see
They don’t see what lies within
The pain, the tears, the darkness that surrounds you’re caged up joy
You put on a smile because that’s what people want to see
It’s unacceptable for you to be unhappy
Then somethings happens, something changes
The you that you try so hard to set free has broken out of the cage
and is staring the darkness in the face
There is a path that you must take
It’s dangerous indeed but you see the light at the end
It whispers “come” and something leaps from within
You walk down that path and different things try to stop you
But you keep your eye on that light and every bit of darkness
seems to fade away
You’re not there yet
You’re still walking through it all
You might stumble and fall
But the light gives you reason to stand back up
To trudge down that horrid path with your head held high
Singing, praying, eyes lifted to the sky
You’re gonna show everyone what you’ve always want them to see

Your joy, the real you, victorious and set free!

Monday, December 7, 2015

A Step Toward Freedom

I'm tired of being this way. Living with all this pain yet feeling too afraid to tell someone that I'm hurting because I'm fearful of being rejected and judged. I've been shutting down, mentally and emotionally. I feel like if I talk to people about their day and how they're doing and just keep them talking about themselves then I don't have to talk about myself. I'm just trying to find a way to maintain an okay life without drawing attention to myself in any way, whether it be good or bad. My mental health is really bad but guess who got a new mask to hide it..I did. People ask me how I'm doing and I respond by saying "I'm fine" when that could mean so many different things but I won't say that because I don't want them asking questions. While reading this I ask myself "Has my life really come to this?" I remember a time where I would imagine myself as an adult who was no longer in pain and who was really happy with her life and what she had become in spite of everything that had tried to keep her bound. I wish I could be that person. If I were able to have a conversation with my younger self she would have no hope for her future. I need help. I want help. Real help. I want to make younger me proud and give her things to look forward to. I want to no longer be a disappointment to everyone I encounter. I don't want to be always in pain and always sad. I want to take the mask off and never have to put it back on again. I want to discover who I am. I want self-confidence, self-worth. I want some kind of positive self-esteem. I just want to be free. I want to climb the mountain of pain and suffering to reach the top where freedom is. Where I am standing on top of it all and I am just at peace. Where I am full of true joy. Where I know who I am and I am making a difference in other people's lives because of my decision to fight. I'm ready for a change, but where do I start?

"There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain."
-Rick Warren

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Spiraling Downward

I've been sick for over a week, since my birthday to be exact. The pain was so intense that I felt like I was being punished for even being born. I mean yeah I have done lots of stuff to deserve it but I guess I never really thought that I would actually have to continue getting punished for being born. As the pain died down I was strong enough to hangout with my boyfriend, or EX-boyfriend. In a weak moment of letting my guard down I had sex. During, I didn't feel anything. No emotion. No pleasure. Nothing. Afterward, I felt pain, both physical and emotional. As we laid there I wanted so badly to cry but I mustn't show signs of weakness. I felt shame, disgust, terror, and confusion. After he left, I questioned my whole life and I realized something. I don't know who I am. I know who I want people to see and I kind of have an idea of who I want to be but as of right now, in this moment, I am lost in the storm of life unable to find shelter. Am I just destined to stay in the same cycle? To be the girl my parents created so that people can use me? Am I still brain washed into believing that I am just the mistake that my parents made one night? Am I just a tool? A product of a lifetime of abuse? My life is just spiraling downward at record speed into a deep, dark abyss. Is this who I've become or is it who I've always been but too afraid to show?

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Heaven Is Real and So Is Hell

Okay so as we all know, yesterday was Wednesday. I went to church with something heavily weighing on my heart but being me I just pretended to be happy. Well worship started and I just could not seem to get into his presence. It had been nearly a month since I was about to get in God's presence. Anyways, I was in some deep doubt about if God even existed anymore and at that moment I made myself believe that God wasn't real. I immediately saw myself burning in hell. I quickly said, "I believe". That was by far the most frightening thing  I had ever experienced in my life! At first I just stood there both emotion and motionless and as people began to pray over me I broke down. It was like a wrecking ball breaking through a wall of bricks. I soon began to enter into His presence. I cried so much that my contact came out(I didn't lose it).After church I went home and I worshiped until maybe 4:30 a.m. I didn't want to leave his presence because it had been so long since I'd been in it. I finally passed out and slept after a while.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Being Me

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I can't keep living like this. Pretending to be okay all the time. Only showing people one emotion ( happy ). That's not real. That's not me. I want to be happy but I'm not. I'm so tired of pretending but I'm more afraid to remove the mask and show what's underneath. Every single night I fight the urge to end it all. I win the battle but the battle leaves scars. Too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on I put on a smile and be the girl who everyone knows as always being happy. There is no room for any other emotion. Lately I've been having days where I am very quiet. It's the cracks in my mask that expose the real me. I quickly seal the cracks and return to pretending to be happy. If you knew the things I'm going through you wouldn't have words to say. I'm at war. Fighting for my life. There are small victories and there are also many losses. Things seem to be getting harder and harder to deal with. Who am I? What does it feel like to be me? Words cannot begin to describe what it's like to be me.