Change Takes Time

I left on April 4, 2013 and was freed on May 10, 2013. Why do I still feel super depressed? I try to put a smile on my face but those are rare. I can honestly say that I do NOT  want to commit suicide. Being away and in those places made me feel isolated and misunderstood, which I were. They stand over me, watching, listening, causing my body pain from the inside out.I try not to move, not to say anything that would upset them. I try not to breathe. People try talking to me, but sometimes I can't hear them because "they" are yelling at me, telling my to cut deep and let the blood flow. "They" tell me that I'm not worthless and not worthy of love, not worthy of living. I just want them all to go away. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to experience true joy. I'm so tired of masking my feelings. I want to be able to go at least a day without seeing "her" and hearing "them" and being depressed and hurt, but I guess change takes time.

...Life...

It's been nearly a month since I posted anything.  Maybe it's because I was busy with my life. Life......mine came crumbling down Saturday. Her words pierced my very soul. It was bad enough that I couldn't sleep without hearing it but now....I just lay awake at night haunted by my fears while tears flow, rolling down my cheeks like little streams on my face. *sigh* I'm trying so hard to be strong but how can I possibly be strong? I don't even have the strength to pray for myself. Truth is....I'm tired, tired of fighting, tired of fear, tired of tears. I'm at a crossroad in my life and I honestly don't know what to do or who to turn to. I don't know who I can trust because people now-a-days aren't real, they're fake! Fake......who am I to talk about someone being real or fake? I don't even know who I am! Or why I'm here! There is so much on my mind that I can't take it. I'm grinding my teeth trying so hard not to cry. I hate myself when I cry in front of people. I'm at my breaking point....

Dear Diary

Broken hearts drawn in my diary.
Bleeding words, feeling hurt endlessly.
And in this book lies the pieces love has took from me.
And all this rain is nothing compared to all this pain in me.
Diary, Diary, here's my heart
I don't wanna lose it again
Diary, Diary, from the start 
All the way to the end
Diary, Diary here's my bit of privacy
I'm gonna open up to you
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
So dear Diary!

Stuck inside the darkness.
Can somebody stop this silence.
Because silence hurts more than the words.
And in this book lies the pieces love has took from me.
And all this rain is nothing compared to all this pain in me.

Diary, Diary, here's my heart
I don't wanna lose it again
Diary, Diary, from the start 
All the way to the end
Diary, Diary here's my bit of privacy
I'm gonna open up to you
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
So dear Diary!
So dear Diary!

Hold my secrets, my fears,
My desires, my tears!
Touch my thoughts, feels these things
See my fears, feel my pain!
I'm broken, can you fix me up?
I'm falling, can you pick me up?
I'm hurting, deep inside of me!
I'm trusting you, so dear diary!


Diary, Diary, here's my heart
I don't wanna lose it again
Diary, Diary, from the start 
All the way to the end
Diary, Diary here's my bit of privacy
I'm gonna open up to you.
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
So dear diary...
So dear diary...

01.03 Materials and Free Choice

Fiction is my favorite genre and Non-fiction is my second favorite genre. I strongly agree with that statement because I am always reading books from these genres.The last thing I read and enjoyed was my favorite novel by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love. It was the most beautiful love story I have ever read. It helped me to understand that no matter what your background is or how much sinning you have done, God always has a plan and a purpose for you life and also that He loves you regardless of your flaws. God has a husband in mind for me but I just have to be patient and wait. This novel will forever be my favorite book because it taught me so much.

Pollution of the Mind

My mind is poisoned. What can I do to help it. The truth is out in the open. I'm lost in my thoughts. Life is like a dream I can't wake up from. I float through a sea of memories. Most of them are bad, but oh well.

Thoughts

Now,  I want to scream at my child-self, “JUST TELL!!!” I guess I'm blaming the little girl I had been for all my pain. If she would have just pushed a little harder, she could have saved us both. So much going through my mind...maybe it's because I'm blaming myself for what happened.......

Repost of My Song :'(

Pain deep inside, trying to hide all these tears.
Crying blood, where is the love that i need?
And all these years, I have been asking what is wrong with me.
Thirteen years, searching for the things that people see in me.

Why Me? Why Me? What have I done?
I don't wanna be used again.
Why Me? Why Me? Of millions, I'm one
who's survived since it began.
Why me? Why Me? Tired of all the privacy!
Nobody to open up to.
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
Oh God, Why Me? (Oh God, Why Me?)

Stuck inside the darkness, can somebody stop this silence
Because this pain hurts more than hurt does,
and all these years, I have been asking what is wrong with me.
Thirteen years, searching for the things that people see in me.

Why Me? Why Me? What have I done?

I don't wanna be used again.

Why Me? Why Me? Of millions, I'm one

who's survived since it began.

Why me? Why Me? Tired of all the privacy!

Nobody to open up to.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Oh God, Why Me? (Oh God, Why Me?)

Fighting Anorexia

How did I get here, to this dark, depressing place? Up all hours of the night vomiting out my life. I want to get better but my body's getting worse. I lost three more pounds and even worse I still don't feel beautiful. What's wrong with me? Why can't I change me? Tears forming in my eyes and I don't know what to do. I am in so much pain, I can't express it. Physically, emotionally, mentally. This pain I feel inside makes me want to give up on life, but I can't. I have to overcome and be someone better, someone beautiful, someone bold and strong, someone fearless and willing to take chances, someone confident, but most of all, I want to be someone HEALTHY.

How I Feel

I can only draw depressing things....

Health

Pain feels my body, devouring my soul. Anorexia is alive and well. I fight it everyday but I'm going to get some help with this anorexia thing.