Nicole and Tori's Adventure

Nicole and Tori's Adventure
She is my world and my motivation. I cannot imagine life without her. Since the day she was born, she has always been the reason I breathe. I love you Tori!

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Not ALL Disabilities Are Visible

Not ALL disabilities are visible.I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, depression and anxiety disorder. I have mental illnesses but you would have never known if I hadn't have told you. People are so quick to judge and even quicker to say that someone is lying about having a disability. As stated by the Invisible Disability Association, "An illness or injury is considered chronic, when it lasts a year or longer, limits activity and may require ongoing care. Not everyone with a chronic condition has the same symptoms or degree of symptoms. Some have mild complications and with a little adjustment in their diets or schedules, they can lead a pretty “normal” life. Some have to make bigger changes, sacrificing various activities or their work situations in order to contend with their conditions. Others become so ill they are unable to work at all and struggle just to meet life’s daily needs." I was hospitalized A LOT on account of my illnesses. Once I was in the hospital for so long that I barely made it to my high school graduation. I mean no one likes to be sick or in pain. Just because a person doesn't look sick or seems to be "normal" doesn't mean they aren't fight a war that, at times, feels like they are losing. It is not easy living with a disability. Sometimes I pray, crying out to God, asking and begging him to make me "normal". Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore but then I remember that my story could help someone else. Most people that are living with disabilities don't want to give up so even when they are feeling their worst they put on a smile and they just keep swimming.

Monday, July 27, 2015

"It Is Finished"

When I hear "It Is Finished" I go into deep thought about what it actually means. When Jesus said "It IS Finished" before he died on Calvary's Cross seven things happened. The seven things are as followed:

  • Forgiveness was offered.
  • Salvation was offered.
  • Love was offered.
  • Sin was defeated.
  • No more suffering.
  • Victory won!
So when you hear that phrase be thankful and think not only about the words but the deeper meaning as well.

What True Salvation Looks Like

There are signs that accompany TRUE salvation.

  • Sorrow and hatred
  • Humility and self abandonment
  • The peace of God in our conscience
  • Godly fear that leads to obedience
  • A diligent perseverance
  • The spirit of prayer that leads to joyful expectations
  • TRUE faith that leads to fulfillment of Gods promises

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

R.I.P. Granddaddy

So, last Wednesday, February 18, 2015, my granddaddy died around 7 am. This is really hard for my family and me. The funeral is this Saturday but I already had plans to go to the Ramp. I just want to see him one more time to say goodbye for now. I know for a fact  that he is in heaven watching over us. He was diagnosed with bone cancer and his health was deteriorating and fast. He lost lots of weight and was in lots of pain. At least now he is with God and is happy and pain-free. God I pray and ask you to comfort us. Even if you don't comfort me, please comfort grandma and my family. I was told today that Tori watched as they covered his body. I just pray that she is not traumatized. Lord please be with her. Please be with my family. I love them and I can't stand to see them hurting. In Jesus's name, I ask these things. Amen.

This picture is from 3 years ago. They were married for 17 years. He loved her so much and she, him.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Flying Free

Where is the girl I use to be?
Happy and laughing, feeling so free.
As I examine myself to answer the question,
I found that she's hidden away deep inside me.
How do I rescue her? How do I set her free?
I ask God and he tells me,"She's not hidden.
You've set her free. I can see that because you're smiling.
No more sorrow. No more pain. You've let go of the past.
You're living for ME. That's the way it ought to be.
I'm proud of you. Now can you see? Look in the mirror.
The girl you use to be is flying free!"

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

What did I see?

When first looking into the mirror my mind went on autopilot. So many thoughts ran through my mind. My eyes began to water, but I held back my tears. Eyes burning like my feet on hot sand. When asked the question "What did I see?"  I reply, "I saw something". I did not see someone, a human, nor did I see joy. I saw a tool to be used and abused. Oddly, I saw a tool that was lost in the dark, separated from the toolbox. So when you ask me "What did I see?", I tell you that I did not see me.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Just Because

Just Because you cursed me out,
I got mad at you.
Just Because you said my name,
I rolled my eyes too.
Just Because you looked at me,
I stared back at you.
And on that day I got in trouble
Just Because of you.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Loss of friends....Loss of heart....

I smile and laugh like everything is okay, but the truth is...I can't get it out of my head....I hear the gunshot over and over and over again. I hear the phone hitting the floor then next his body hitting the floor....last night I dreamed that while on the phone with him I traveled through the phone and I was there with him right as he shot himself. I couldn't move and I couldn't speak. I screamed but not a sound came out....I saw his brain get blown out of his head and watched, in tears, as his body fell to the floor. I watched in horror as his blood formed a huge puddle until it was all around my feet. I remember seeing his lifeless body laying there on the floor and there was nothing I could do to bring him back....I just think that maybe I could have said something differently...maybe I could have tried to contact him earlier in llife to check up on him...I could have done SOMETHING.....sigh....just the life of an american teenager