Nicole and Tori's Adventure

Nicole and Tori's Adventure
She is my world and my motivation. I cannot imagine life without her. Since the day she was born, she has always been the reason I breathe. I love you Tori!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

You Know That You're Alone

When you need a shoulder to cry on,
 but no one is there for you
 you know that you're alone.
When you sit down to eat
 and you're the only one at the table
 you know that you're alone.
When you have no friends,
 not even family
 you know that you're alone.
When you tell someone you're having a bad day
 and they ignore the statement
 you know that you're alone.
When you think you've finally made friends
 but they treat you like crap
 you know that you're alone.
When you write a poem about yourself
 knowing no one will see
 because you feel so alone.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Rebecca Lyn (Faith)

You are a great person and I love you so.
You help me stay sane when my mind starts to go,
To the dark places that lie within.
You are my sister, my goofball, my best friend.
I know I’m harsh sometimes but it’s not because of you.
It’s just that sometimes I wish I could walk in your shoes,
And have a family, like yours, who loves each other so.
Seeing your smile is like eating a raw batch of cookie dough, it’s great!
You make me laugh. You make me smile.
When I’m with you I feel like I could run 5 miles.
I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m sorry for being rude.
I want you to know that when we are together I feel like dancing a jig and singing a toon.




Wednesday, September 16, 2015

These Are My Pieces

These are my pieces, but not my whole.
I am more than this flesh and blood.
My skin does not portray who/what lies beneath.
My smile does not really show how I feel
and my eyes do not allow you to see my depth.

I am no longer an object of someone else’s will,
but a prisoner to my own body.
My body does not feel like it belongs to me.
For so long it was not given a say
and was forcibly maneuvered by another.

Even my mind seems to be dictated
by my own body's sensations.
A simple touch of my arm can trigger a memory.
My hand hesitates to make contact
with even ones I love.

All of these pieces while built together, feel disjointed.
My lips long for a long compassionate kiss,
but my hand will freely push it away.
My arms cry out to be wrapped in another’s,
but my body quickly tightens
responding to a perceived attack.
My body while flaunted is self-conscious
of how it will be judged.
It is a vessel of unknown.

Each touch is a switch
that triggers a new or old memory.
A personal home theater of years past,
many showing reruns that had long been forgotten
or simply waiting for the right time.
My home movies are nightmares
that give understanding to my body's reactions.
Unlike nightmares, I can not wake up
and say it was just a dream.

I have tried to rationalize
with both my mind and body, but it yields to the past.
They are a great puzzle
that I am slowly piecing together.
The picture of who I am
becomes clearer with each piece,
and like most children’s toys, the result is often
not as spectacular as you had hoped.

Can I see who I am becoming
without finishing the puzzle?
The pieces have slowly come together
to create a gruesome picture of who I was.
The pieces cannot be reconfigured
to change the ultimate image;
my picture of my past will always be the same.

The only difference now lies
in how I choose to view it in the future.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Not ALL Disabilities Are Visible

Not ALL disabilities are visible.I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, depression and anxiety disorder. I have mental illnesses but you would have never known if I hadn't have told you. People are so quick to judge and even quicker to say that someone is lying about having a disability. As stated by the Invisible Disability Association, "An illness or injury is considered chronic, when it lasts a year or longer, limits activity and may require ongoing care. Not everyone with a chronic condition has the same symptoms or degree of symptoms. Some have mild complications and with a little adjustment in their diets or schedules, they can lead a pretty “normal” life. Some have to make bigger changes, sacrificing various activities or their work situations in order to contend with their conditions. Others become so ill they are unable to work at all and struggle just to meet life’s daily needs." I was hospitalized A LOT on account of my illnesses. Once I was in the hospital for so long that I barely made it to my high school graduation. I mean no one likes to be sick or in pain. Just because a person doesn't look sick or seems to be "normal" doesn't mean they aren't fight a war that, at times, feels like they are losing. It is not easy living with a disability. Sometimes I pray, crying out to God, asking and begging him to make me "normal". Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore but then I remember that my story could help someone else. Most people that are living with disabilities don't want to give up so even when they are feeling their worst they put on a smile and they just keep swimming.

Monday, July 27, 2015

"It Is Finished"

When I hear "It Is Finished" I go into deep thought about what it actually means. When Jesus said "It IS Finished" before he died on Calvary's Cross seven things happened. The seven things are as followed:

  • Forgiveness was offered.
  • Salvation was offered.
  • Love was offered.
  • Sin was defeated.
  • No more suffering.
  • Victory won!
So when you hear that phrase be thankful and think not only about the words but the deeper meaning as well.

What True Salvation Looks Like

There are signs that accompany TRUE salvation.

  • Sorrow and hatred
  • Humility and self abandonment
  • The peace of God in our conscience
  • Godly fear that leads to obedience
  • A diligent perseverance
  • The spirit of prayer that leads to joyful expectations
  • TRUE faith that leads to fulfillment of Gods promises

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

R.I.P. Granddaddy

So, last Wednesday, February 18, 2015, my granddaddy died around 7 am. This is really hard for my family and me. The funeral is this Saturday but I already had plans to go to the Ramp. I just want to see him one more time to say goodbye for now. I know for a fact  that he is in heaven watching over us. He was diagnosed with bone cancer and his health was deteriorating and fast. He lost lots of weight and was in lots of pain. At least now he is with God and is happy and pain-free. God I pray and ask you to comfort us. Even if you don't comfort me, please comfort grandma and my family. I was told today that Tori watched as they covered his body. I just pray that she is not traumatized. Lord please be with her. Please be with my family. I love them and I can't stand to see them hurting. In Jesus's name, I ask these things. Amen.

This picture is from 3 years ago. They were married for 17 years. He loved her so much and she, him.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Flying Free

Where is the girl I use to be?
Happy and laughing, feeling so free.
As I examine myself to answer the question,
I found that she's hidden away deep inside me.
How do I rescue her? How do I set her free?
I ask God and he tells me,"She's not hidden.
You've set her free. I can see that because you're smiling.
No more sorrow. No more pain. You've let go of the past.
You're living for ME. That's the way it ought to be.
I'm proud of you. Now can you see? Look in the mirror.
The girl you use to be is flying free!"