A Step Toward Freedom

I'm tired of being this way. Living with all this pain yet feeling too afraid to tell someone that I'm hurting because I'm fearful of being rejected and judged. I've been shutting down, mentally and emotionally. I feel like if I talk to people about their day and how they're doing and just keep them talking about themselves then I don't have to talk about myself. I'm just trying to find a way to maintain an okay life without drawing attention to myself in any way, whether it be good or bad. My mental health is really bad but guess who got a new mask to hide it..I did. People ask me how I'm doing and I respond by saying "I'm fine" when that could mean so many different things but I won't say that because I don't want them asking questions. While reading this I ask myself "Has my life really come to this?" I remember a time where I would imagine myself as an adult who was no longer in pain and who was really happy with her life and what she had become in spite of everything that had tried to keep her bound. I wish I could be that person. If I were able to have a conversation with my younger self she would have no hope for her future. I need help. I want help. Real help. I want to make younger me proud and give her things to look forward to. I want to no longer be a disappointment to everyone I encounter. I don't want to be always in pain and always sad. I want to take the mask off and never have to put it back on again. I want to discover who I am. I want self-confidence, self-worth. I want some kind of positive self-esteem. I just want to be free. I want to climb the mountain of pain and suffering to reach the top where freedom is. Where I am standing on top of it all and I am just at peace. Where I am full of true joy. Where I know who I am and I am making a difference in other people's lives because of my decision to fight. I'm ready for a change, but where do I start?

"There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain."

-Rick Warren

Spiraling Downward

I've been sick for over a week, since my birthday to be exact. The pain was so intense that I felt like I was being punished for even being born. I mean yeah I have done lots of stuff to deserve it but I guess I never really thought that I would actually have to continue getting punished for being born. As the pain died down I was strong enough to hangout with my boyfriend, or EX-boyfriend. In a weak moment of letting my guard down I had sex. During, I didn't feel anything. No emotion. No pleasure. Nothing. Afterward, I felt pain, both physical and emotional. As we laid there I wanted so badly to cry but I mustn't show signs of weakness. I felt shame, disgust, terror, and confusion. After he left, I questioned my whole life and I realized something. I don't know who I am. I know who I want people to see and I kind of have an idea of who I want to be but as of right now, in this moment, I am lost in the storm of life unable to find shelter. Am I just destined to stay in the same cycle? To be the girl my parents created so that people can use me? Am I still brain washed into believing that I am just the mistake that my parents made one night? Am I just a tool? A product of a lifetime of abuse? My life is just spiraling downward at record speed into a deep, dark abyss. Is this who I've become or is it who I've always been but too afraid to show?

Heaven Is Real and So Is Hell

Okay so as we all know, yesterday was Wednesday. I went to church with something heavily weighing on my heart but being me I just pretended to be happy. Well worship started and I just could not seem to get into his presence. It had been nearly a month since I was about to get in God's presence. Anyways, I was in some deep doubt about if God even existed anymore and at that moment I made myself believe that God wasn't real. I immediately saw myself burning in hell. I quickly said, "I believe". That was by far the most frightening thing  I had ever experienced in my life! At first I just stood there both emotion and motionless and as people began to pray over me I broke down. It was like a wrecking ball breaking through a wall of bricks. I soon began to enter into His presence. I cried so much that my contact came out(I didn't lose it).After church I went home and I worshiped until maybe 4:30 a.m. I didn't want to leave his presence because it had been so long since I'd been in it. I finally passed out and slept after a while.

Being Me

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I can't keep living like this. Pretending to be okay all the time. Only showing people one emotion ( happy ). That's not real. That's not me. I want to be happy but I'm not. I'm so tired of pretending but I'm more afraid to remove the mask and show what's underneath. Every single night I fight the urge to end it all. I win the battle but the battle leaves scars. Too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on I put on a smile and be the girl who everyone knows as always being happy. There is no room for any other emotion. Lately I've been having days where I am very quiet. It's the cracks in my mask that expose the real me. I quickly seal the cracks and return to pretending to be happy. If you knew the things I'm going through you wouldn't have words to say. I'm at war. Fighting for my life. There are small victories and there are also many losses. Things seem to be getting harder and harder to deal with. Who am I? What does it feel like to be me? Words cannot begin to describe what it's like to be me.

Step-By-Step Evangalism

• Step One: Go!
• Step Two: Connect with an unbeliever!
• Step Three: Have an INTENTIONAL conversation!
• Step Four: Share the gospel!
• Use the "Gospel Tool Belt":
• Testimony
• Prophecy
• Serving
• Signs/Wonders
• Relationship
• Outreach Events
• Step Five: Follow-up with them!

Discipleship is teaching someone how to obey Jesus.

"16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations,baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” 

-Matthew 28:16-20

You Know That You're Alone

When you need a shoulder to cry on,
 but no one is there for you
 you know that you're alone.
When you sit down to eat
 and you're the only one at the table
 you know that you're alone.
When you have no friends,
 not even family
 you know that you're alone.
When you tell someone you're having a bad day
 and they ignore the statement
 you know that you're alone.
When you think you've finally made friends
 but they treat you like crap
 you know that you're alone.
When you write a poem about yourself
 knowing no one will see
 because you feel so alone.

Rebecca Lyn (Faith)

You are a great person and I love you so.

You help me stay sane when my mind starts to go,

To the dark places that lie within.

You are my sister, my goofball, my best friend.

I know I’m harsh sometimes but it’s not because of you.

It’s just that sometimes I wish I could walk in your shoes,

And have a family, like yours, who loves each other so.

Seeing your smile is like eating a raw batch of cookie dough, it’s great!

You make me laugh. You make me smile.

When I’m with you I feel like I could run 5 miles.

I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m sorry for being rude.

I want you to know that when we are together I feel like dancing a jig and singing a toon.

 Signed,

Your BFFLIC

                                                                                                                                 

These Are My Pieces

These are my pieces, but not my whole.
I am more than this flesh and blood.
My skin does not portray who/what lies beneath.
My smile does not really show how I feel
and my eyes do not allow you to see my depth.

I am no longer an object of someone else’s will,
but a prisoner to my own body.
My body does not feel like it belongs to me.
For so long it was not given a say
and was forcibly maneuvered by another.

Even my mind seems to be dictated
by my own body's sensations.
A simple touch of my arm can trigger a memory.
My hand hesitates to make contact
with even ones I love.

All of these pieces while built together, feel disjointed.
My lips long for a long compassionate kiss,
but my hand will freely push it away.
My arms cry out to be wrapped in another’s,
but my body quickly tightens
responding to a perceived attack.
My body while flaunted is self-conscious
of how it will be judged.
It is a vessel of unknown.

Each touch is a switch
that triggers a new or old memory.
A personal home theater of years past,
many showing reruns that had long been forgotten
or simply waiting for the right time.
My home movies are nightmares
that give understanding to my body's reactions.
Unlike nightmares, I can not wake up
and say it was just a dream.

I have tried to rationalize
with both my mind and body, but it yields to the past.
They are a great puzzle
that I am slowly piecing together.
The picture of who I am
becomes clearer with each piece,
and like most children’s toys, the result is often
not as spectacular as you had hoped.

Can I see who I am becoming
without finishing the puzzle?
The pieces have slowly come together
to create a gruesome picture of who I was.
The pieces cannot be reconfigured
to change the ultimate image;
my picture of my past will always be the same.

The only difference now lies
in how I choose to view it in the future.

Not ALL Disabilities Are Visible

Not ALL disabilities are visible.I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, depression and anxiety disorder. I have mental illnesses but you would have never known if I hadn't have told you. People are so quick to judge and even quicker to say that someone is lying about having a disability. As stated by the Invisible Disability Association, "An illness or injury is considered chronic, when it lasts a year or longer, limits activity and may require ongoing care. Not everyone with a chronic condition has the same symptoms or degree of symptoms. Some have mild complications and with a little adjustment in their diets or schedules, they can lead a pretty “normal” life. Some have to make bigger changes, sacrificing various activities or their work situations in order to contend with their conditions. Others become so ill they are unable to work at all and struggle just to meet life’s daily needs." I was hospitalized A LOT on account of my illnesses. Once I was in the hospital for so long that I barely made it to my high school graduation. I mean no one likes to be sick or in pain. Just because a person doesn't look sick or seems to be "normal" doesn't mean they aren't fight a war that, at times, feels like they are losing. It is not easy living with a disability. Sometimes I pray, crying out to God, asking and begging him to make me "normal". Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore but then I remember that my story could help someone else. Most people that are living with disabilities don't want to give up so even when they are feeling their worst they put on a smile and they just keep swimming.

"It Is Finished"

When I hear "It Is Finished" I go into deep thought about what it actually means. When Jesus said "It IS Finished" before he died on Calvary's Cross seven things happened. The seven things are as followed:

• Forgiveness was offered.
• Salvation was offered.
• Love was offered.
• Sin was defeated.
• No more suffering.
• Victory won!
• OUR RESTORATION WAS MADE POSSIBLE!

So when you hear that phrase be thankful and think not only about the words but the deeper meaning as well.

What True Salvation Looks Like

There are signs that accompany TRUE salvation.

• Sorrow and hatred
• Humility and self abandonment
• The peace of God in our conscience
• Godly fear that leads to obedience
• A diligent perseverance
• The spirit of prayer that leads to joyful expectations
• TRUE faith that leads to fulfillment of Gods promises

R.I.P. Granddaddy

So, last Wednesday, February 18, 2015, my granddaddy died around 7 am. This is really hard for my family and me. The funeral is this Saturday but I already had plans to go to the Ramp. I just want to see him one more time to say goodbye for now. I know for a fact  that he is in heaven watching over us. He was diagnosed with bone cancer and his health was deteriorating and fast. He lost lots of weight and was in lots of pain. At least now he is with God and is happy and pain-free. God I pray and ask you to comfort us. Even if you don't comfort me, please comfort grandma and my family. I was told today that Tori watched as they covered his body. I just pray that she is not traumatized. Lord please be with her. Please be with my family. I love them and I can't stand to see them hurting. In Jesus's name, I ask these things. Amen.

This picture is from 3 years ago. They were married for 17 years. He loved her so much and she, him.

Flying Free

Where is the girl I use to be?
Happy and laughing, feeling so free.
As I examine myself to answer the question,
I found that she's hidden away deep inside me.
How do I rescue her? How do I set her free?
I ask God and he tells me,"She's not hidden.
You've set her free. I can see that because you're smiling.
No more sorrow. No more pain. You've let go of the past.
You're living for ME. That's the way it ought to be.
I'm proud of you. Now can you see? Look in the mirror.
The girl you use to be is flying free!"