I'm tired of being this way. Living with all this pain yet feeling too afraid to tell someone that I'm hurting because I'm fearful of being rejected and judged. I've been shutting down, mentally and emotionally. I feel like if I talk to people about their day and how they're doing and just keep them talking about themselves then I don't have to talk about myself. I'm just trying to find a way to maintain an okay life without drawing attention to myself in any way, whether it be good or bad. My mental health is really bad but guess who got a new mask to hide it..I did. People ask me how I'm doing and I respond by saying "I'm fine" when that could mean so many different things but I won't say that because I don't want them asking questions. While reading this I ask myself "Has my life really come to this?" I remember a time where I would imagine myself as an adult who was no longer in pain and who was really happy with her life and what she had become in spite of everything that had tried to keep her bound. I wish I could be that person. If I were able to have a conversation with my younger self she would have no hope for her future. I need help. I want help. Real help. I want to make younger me proud and give her things to look forward to. I want to no longer be a disappointment to everyone I encounter. I don't want to be always in pain and always sad. I want to take the mask off and never have to put it back on again. I want to discover who I am. I want self-confidence, self-worth. I want some kind of positive self-esteem. I just want to be free. I want to climb the mountain of pain and suffering to reach the top where freedom is. Where I am standing on top of it all and I am just at peace. Where I am full of true joy. Where I know who I am and I am making a difference in other people's lives because of my decision to fight. I'm ready for a change, but where do I start?
"There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain."
-Rick Warren
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