How I Feel

I can only draw depressing things....

I just feel sooooo....I don't know. I can't explain it. I have so much on my mind, but I wont be letting it off anytime soon. *sigh* Just left church. With Mrs. Birgs at 10:15pm at Burger King.

Wrote Another Song Just Now

Pain deep inside, trying to hide all these tears.
Crying blood, where is the love that i need?
And all these years, I have been asking what is wrong with me.
Thirteen years, searching for the things that people see in me.

Why Me? Why Me? What have I done?
I don't wanna be used again.
Why Me? Why Me? Of millions, I'm one
who's survived since it began.
Why me? Why Me? Tired of all the privacy!
Nobody to open up to.
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
Oh God, Why Me? (Oh God, Why Me?)

Stuck inside the darkness, can somebody stop this silence
Because this pain hurts more than hurt does,
and all these years, I have been asking what is wrong with me.
Thirteen years, searching for the things that people see in me.

Why Me? Why Me? What have I done?

I don't wanna be used again.

Why Me? Why Me? Of millions, I'm one

who's survived since it began.

Why me? Why Me? Tired of all the privacy!

Nobody to open up to.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Oh God, Why Me? (Oh God, Why Me?)

Advisory Assignment: Cheer

What activity makes me happy? Cheerleading not only makes me happy, it brings me peace in a way. When I cheer, I suddenly forget about all the bad things that are going on. Since I grew up without a voice, cheer is where I can be loud and I AM HEARD! Cheer is where I can show what I can do and not be judged. When I'm cheering it's like I'm in an entirely different universe where people love me and support what I am doing. Cheering is my way to release. Cheering has so many advantages like the other cheerleaders, my cheer sisters. They are so supportive, caring and loving. Most of all they're human. Meaning yes they have problems but they leave their problems outside of the door before they come to cheer. Cheer is love, Cheer is LIFE!

Why me?

Why Me? Why did it have to happen to me? All I ever do is try to be perfect and stay out of people's way. Why do I even try? Something bad ALWAYS happens to me, but why me? *crying* Why Me??

             God said:

" I have seen how they acted, but I will heal them. I will lead them and help them, and I will comfort those who mourn. I offer peace to all, both near and far! I will heal me people. "
 

Reading this I notice that God extends 5 promises:

1. If you hurt, God says, " I will heal you."
2. If you're confused, God says, " I will lead you."
3. If you feel helpless, God says, " I will help you."
4. If you feel alone, God says, " I will comfort you."
5. If you feel anxious and afraid, God says, " I will offer peace to you."

God says He will heal me yet I'm still hurting. He says if I'm confused he will lead me yet I'm still lost. God says he will help me yet no help is found.  He says if I feel alone, which I feel all the time, he will comfort me yet I feel no comfort and I feel more alone than ever. God says if I'm anxious and afraid that He will offer me peace yet He still hasn't offered me peace. Why would he make promises he cant keep. It makes me think about why am I even a Christian.

Feelings, Wants, and Needs

I haven't eaten. I guess you can say I'm starving myself, but I kinda don't care. I only eat when I can afford to eat, which I can't do as much as I wish I could. I got a hug from Ms. Kemal this morning and I immediately started crying. So much pain inside of me, so many tears held in, feeling so down. I got kind of a hug from Ms. Rhodes. I had to hold in my tears because there were a bunch of seniors and other students were in there. I just need a shoulder to cry on. I want to let it all out, all the pain and tears I've held in for years. I want to be happy. I want to find out who I really am. That is really bothering me. I wish I knew. I'm reading this book called Life's Healing Choices: Freedom From Your Hurts, Hang-Ups, and Habits. I'm going to just be honest, this book is really making me think about how i truly feel about life. It's making me cry more and more. I'm feeling like a cry baby. *sigh*

My Point of View

Why would people continuously talk about someone, calling them names like MURDERER and such? First of all, I'm not taking sides. Kinjite and Jerrisha do NOT communicate. If Jerrisha was going to set Asha up then she would have told somebody, but she's NOT that type of person at all. She's sweet, caring, kind, loving, trustworthy, and wanting to be accepted for who she is. The way I see it, she doesn't deserve all of that BULLYING. Yeah, that's what it is, bullying! It is a shame that you people call yourselves REAL or 100, but you are NEVER direct. If you have a problem with someone, you should go to that person and tell them what you are feeling towards them. I know this incident with Jerrisha trying to kill herself could have been prevented if you inconsiderate, unworthy, incapable of intelligence, ignorant BULLIES would have just minded your own business. I love Jerrisha like she is my blood sister and I know how she felt when she said the WORLD is against her. I can't begin to express the love I have for her. Blood couldn't make us closer. I really hope I get to see her soon. I was hoping to see her today but that probably won't happen because of her mom. *sigh* but I will see her soon and soon she shall be with me, living under MY roof. She will be loved, she will have a real family, no problems, fights, or any of that other stuff. It's just gonna be  me, Tori and Jerrisha. My little family.

WHY?

Thursday night wasn't all out of the blue.    Everybody in the house except for her mom knew that Kinjite was coming. Jerrisha was texting Kinjite, true. But only to try to prevent her from coming. It was a surprise to Jerrisha when Kinjite and her family showed up. Even though they all new that Kinjite was coming it wasn't expected.. They wanted to leave Asha in the house because they knew she was drunk and they didn't want anything to happen to her. When the fight poped off everybody just started hitting everybody because everyone jumped in so Jerrisha n Twa jumped in.

Monday night Jerrisha tryed to committ suicide while taking a bath. She tryed to drown herself because she wishes that it was her instead of Asha. She wrote in her diary that she should've jumped infront of Asha n wishes she could take that night back and redo it.. She said she's lost all of her friends n family. She only in this situation. She loves Asha in the she'll take away her life to restore Ashas so Asha this is 4 you.

Jerrisha is currently at the hospital on a stopwatch for trying to commit suicide.. I pray and hope that she's alright and that whoever is reading this gets some peace of mind and also a heart..

Love U Babysis

a mask

I know people says we shouldn't question God, but sometimes I have to. I live a life of pain and hurt and it makes me sad. I wear a mask to hide how I truly feel about life. I must admit I'm a little apathetic, but it's because I see no other way. I have a home away from home but I think I'm too much for them. Like today, I greeted everyone with such joy and a smile of my face but that was all fake. It's getting so hard to keep the faith when all you hear is you're not worth anything or you're a mistake or why did I even have you. All I ever wanted was a family, a mother, a father...a mother who loves me and shows it and tells me she does and cares about me and everything I do...a father who didn't molest me for nearly 13 years...a family who loves each other and the world could see it, a family who loves ME!!! Is that too much to ask? It seems like wearing a mask is the only way I can ESCAPE! All I want is to be loved, cared for, and treated with respect. I'm so tired of being treated as if I'm simple or naive, as if I don't know nothing about the world. All I want to do is SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This Pain I Feel Inside

This pain I feel inside, it makes me want to die. Choke, stab, drown, cut, all things I have tried. I want this pain to end just as much as I want to go. Pack up all my things then walk out the door. Why doesn’t she love me? I’d really love to know. Am I that bad? Do I cause her such woe? Why can’t I be loved and be happy too. No buts, no ifs, no exceptions too. Why can’t I be loved, gets hugs and kisses? No bruises, no scratches, no nose covered with tissue. Why can’t I hear I’m beautiful, loved, special or cared for? What do I have to do to be cared for? All I want is to be loved, cared for, WANTED!!!!! Holding back these tears…eyes balls burning. Everyday I wonder, What's wrong with me? Why am so unwanted? Why can't I make anyone proud? Why was I born WHY ME?? This pain I feel inside is killing me. I just need answers...So much pain inside and there is NOTHING i can do to make it stop!!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

Days will come when you don't have the strength. When all you hear is you're not worth anything. Wondering if you ever could be loved. And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much. You're BEAUTIFUL. You're BEAUTIFUL. You are made for so much more than all of this. You're BEAUTIFUL. You're BEAUTIFUL. You are treasured. You are sacred. You are HIS. You're BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Mi Hermanita's Facebook Status

‎MsBadasx Twokinds OfCrazy‎

its funny how wen ya want a good grl, a faithful grl, a comittmented grl, honest n loyal grl, beautiful grl, smart bt bad grl, n ya want ha to b a rider n accept u fa u.! mne u females r crazy dese days bcus as soon u get 1 u dog her, cheat on her, lie to ha, disown her, n mke ha feel worthless n da first thng yall say is i was just testin her to c hw down fa me she was wen really u just want ya ice cream n cake n eat it too. if its anythng she should b testin u by makin sure if u really deserve her'!! grow up mne bcus u did ull c dat u shouldnt love n care fa a million grls. ull c dat u should love n care fa 1 grl n a million ways :) dats y im only doin rite by my grl bcus i no hw it feels to b hurt n dats sum i refuse to tke her thru. FUCK ALL DA BS

 

 

This goes for girlfriends and boyfriends.

Inside I'm Dying

Ecclesiastes 7:3 say, " Sorrow is better than laughther. For by sadness of the face, the heart is made glad."

I try so hard to maintain a cheerful attitude, but inside I'm dying. Holding in the tears and pain, trying hard to fight it. Tears I haven't released for more than ten years, causing my heart to drop. Pain, terrors, nightmares make my heart stop. I'm dying on the inside because I won't shed tears and release all the bad things that I've held in for years. I can't tell my mom, nor teacher, nor friend. It's something I have to start and continue til the end. I'm dying on the inside. I don't know what to do. I wonder if I'll live or die, holding in these tears.

What I keep telling myself

I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiul. God Loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my exiatance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. he cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. i am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me, He cares about my existance. i am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves mr. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. god loves me. He cares about my existance. I am beautiful. God loves me. He cares about my existance. 

A Mask is Worn

You never know what's going on in a person's life. Someone could be going through hell at home. They could be getting abused or anything. Sometimes they don't have parents. SOMETIMES all they want to hear is that they are loved and NOT alone. SOMETIMES all they need is a hug and for someone to say they care for them. You NEVER know what someone has been through. Maybe they've been molested, maybe they've seen someone they truly care for killed, maybe EVERYDAY they are called the mistake, maybe just maybe sometimes they try to end their life. I promise you that a fake smile can hide a billion tears.

You never know what's going on in a person's life.

Change of perspective

This hurts more than the word HURT. I don't know what to think. Im too afraid to talk to him. Is it because I'm afraid of what he may say or worse, what he may do...daddy can I please come back home....sadness is overwhelming. His whole view of me most likely has changed, and that's not a good thing. Holding back tears.

Be a great Father.

Fellas, have you ever met a female who was the epitome of "thirsty"? I mean willing to do anything for a dude's attention? Chances are she didn't have a father figure to tell her she was beautiful and adored her. So now she seeks and mistakes any attention for good attention. I said all of that to say this, if you have a daughter, who is not 100% sure that as her father you think she's amazing, intelligent, beautiful, and deserves the world, you had better shower her with all you can as soon as you can. Otherwise, you're raising that "thirsty" female.

I can show you better than I can tell you

Don't tell her you love her, SHOW her you love her with ACTIONS. Not gifts, not words, with actions such as spending time with her. Not being her slave, not kissing up to her, not doing anything she asks you to do ... compliment her ONCE that she looks great today in that outfit (not she is beautiful but the effort she took to look good for you is beautiful. Effort, not existance.)

Potrait Of A Woman

Ladies, your MAN should not be PROMPT DEPENDENT. If he refuses to please you, be supportive of you, claim you, marry you, support his children, or respect you, those are HIS CHOICES. He is a man, not a child. Despite what the media would like to tell you, REAL MEN do not need to be trained. He either wants to treat you well or he doesn't. He either wants to see you smile or he doesn't. He either wants to put you in front of his boys or he doesn't. These are CHOICES. His choices tell you whether or not you are his priority. His choices tell you whether or not he loves you. Sex WITHOUT a condom does not show love. Taking you out and buying things DOES NOT prove love. Commitment, respect, selflessness, and a desire to please and protect you show love. DO NOT be fooled by the imitators. Imitators will make small changes when prompted to show you false signs of hope. A REAL MAN does not need prompting to treat his woman RIGHT because she is his PRIORITY. REAL MEN are rare. They are a unique brand and they are molded differently, but the results are generally the same. They make good husbands, fathers, leaders, and they protect their community. Beware of IMITATIONS. All Orange Drinks are not Orange Juice and all Grown Males are not GROWN MEN via REAL MEN....DO REAL THINGS

Stupidity vs. Wisdom

Stupidity is what the human race survives off of. Like seriously. Why couldn't it be wisdom or something? I guess you have to transform the stupidity into wisdom by yourself. Give it a shoot.

Easter

WoW. Its easter Sunday an I want some candy. I'm a big kid. Candy is AWESOME!!!!!!

The Other Side Of The Pillow

Before, all I seemed to focus on was the bad but now its the good. People have left me hanging in life but I don't worry about it because I know that I'm not alone. God is always here with me and he blessed my with Tori. I love her so much. A lot is on my mind but I don't worry about it. All I can say is THANK YOU GOD!!

Tori and Me

I love her without a doubt. I will do anything for her. I love her with every inch of my body and soul.
#MyLittleAngel

Someone else has a worse life that You

I think and think about my life. What all I do that's wrong and what can I do to make it right. My life us blah. But I just have to keep reminding myself that someone else has a worse life than me. I just gotta keep praying.

UGH!!!!!

Okay so as we all know, I attend this "good" school. Southaven High is supposed to be a great school. We had a tornado drill today...like seriously, WTF!!!! I'm hugry and sleepy. These folks stupid. All I need is to do is GO HOME. Thats it. We gotta four day weekend. Thursday is the last day of school until tuesday. hallelujah.

#praisethelordjesusinthenameofthelord