What did I see?

When first looking into the mirror my mind went on autopilot. So many thoughts ran through my mind. My eyes began to water, but I held back my tears. Eyes burning like my feet on hot sand. When asked the question "What did I see?"  I reply, "I saw something". I did not see someone, a human, nor did I see joy. I saw a tool to be used and abused. Oddly, I saw a tool that was lost in the dark, separated from the toolbox. So when you ask me "What did I see?", I tell you that I did not see me.

Just Because

Just Because you cursed me out,
I got mad at you.
Just Because you said my name,
I rolled my eyes too.
Just Because you looked at me,
I stared back at you.
And on that day I got in trouble
Just Because of you.

Loss of friends....Loss of heart....

I smile and laugh like everything is okay, but the truth is...I can't get it out of my head....I hear the gunshot over and over and over again. I hear the phone hitting the floor then next his body hitting the floor....last night I dreamed that while on the phone with him I traveled through the phone and I was there with him right as he shot himself. I couldn't move and I couldn't speak. I screamed but not a sound came out....I saw his brain get blown out of his head and watched, in tears, as his body fell to the floor. I watched in horror as his blood formed a huge puddle until it was all around my feet. I remember seeing his lifeless body laying there on the floor and there was nothing I could do to bring him back....I just think that maybe I could have said something differently...maybe I could have tried to contact him earlier in llife to check up on him...I could have done SOMETHING.....sigh....just the life of an american teenager

Today's World

I'm sitting here thinking of some recent events that have occurred and are still occurring in my life right now. And I'm noticing that 1 big problem with it all is that there is a vast lack of compassion. People act as if caring for someone or something without reason is just the hardest thing in the world. I don't understand! And I especially see this with the men of today's world. Why do you always have to have a reason to JUST CARE!?!? I see women everyday doing for their family and friends and spouses just because, BUT A MAN....... You can barely ask a dude for a cup of water and he go off and get mad because "he just sat down" or he asking you what he gonna get in return for doing something for you. And along with that type of attitude and lack of compassion then comes a lack of gentlemen. I mean ladies think about it, how often do you get men to hold open doors and lend you a hand JUST BECAUSE without wanting something in return? Hardly ever right? It just doesn't make sense to me how things are.

Sickness

She shows up and I get sick. Sick meaning throwing up and body temperature below normal body temperature. What do I do? I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel like moving and NOT being alone.

My Angel Baby

I never got to see your eyes,

or hold your hand, or hear your cries.
All I have are dreams of you,
those of which, will never come true.
My heart sank the day that I knew,
I would never get to meet you.
I had made plans, and had aspirations,
if only I had a little more patience.
I never thought the Lord would take you
away from me so soon.
But, I'll never forget that dismal day,
around two in the afternoon.
The day I knew something was not right,
and through many tears I would have to fight.
Now, all I do is dream every night,
about what life would have been like.
What if you really had been born?
But all we have are dreams of that,
and all we can do is mourn.
We will not mourn for you though,
because we know you're where you need to be,
even though it isn't here with me.
You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.
Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.
None of my dreams for you will ever come true,
because of that day God chose to take you.
But, my angel baby you will always be,
in my heart forever, forever a part of me.

Alaina Marie- December 31, 2013

Caring Hurts :'(

Around, all around, the dark memories gather.
My dread grows as the dagger of your words falls against my naked soul.
It mutilates me, and darkly my
blood drips
to the wicked earth that is my prison.
In numbness I cry out
while nothingness follows.
Now alone, my soul falls upon darkened eyes.

This is because of you

Emily

She stands there, tormenting me! Terrifying me! Covered in blood, she is! Black Hair, which covers her face but you can clearly see her black eyeballs. I hear her voice yet she has no mouth to speak. My body shakes, my knees are weak. I fall to the ground, trying to catch my breath. My, body's too weak to take one step. She chants this horrid chant that sends shivers down my spine. "Two souls, one body. One must die, you're mine!" She chants, They scream, I cry, She bleeds. There they are, loud as can be! My head starts throbbing, my ears bleed. This demon, this child, this girl, wow! My heart stops and I can't breathe whenever I see poor little Emily!

My Sense of Humor...Weird

While Jumping on the bed,

she fell and hit her head.

Her foot hit a shell,

She screamed and yelled,

Now she's covered in red!

Nothingness

Should I say or should I not?
Should I go or should I stay?
Will running away help?
Will they find me if I hide?
Pure terror strikes me like a dad beating a wife!
Temptation hits but I refuse to get the knife!
She's here! She's here! Taunting me!
No clue why she's haunting me!
I feel like screaming, but my words won't work!
I feel like running, but my legs are frozen!
Fear is inside me, but why do I fear?
I should NOT be afraid, but fear is real!
Not much to say.
Not much to do.
I try to pray.
Lord, I need you!

From Victim to Victory

I'm daddy's girl but not in the way you think

He walks in the room, my heart suddenly sinks

Terrible truths run around in my head

Because in just a few hours he'll be in my bed

Kicking, screaming, crying, hurt

Pain in my heart, rips in my shirt

Now and forever you'll be a conniver

But I'll always consider myself a surviver

Washing my clothes repeatedly

Scrubbing the foul while rinsing my sheets

But in the end, the truth will come out

Momma believe me, show me no doubt

Show me there is gold over the rainbow

Speaking the truth I should not be afraid of

Fear when I lay my head to rest

Pounds in my heart, face covered with sweat

I swallow my pride and grasp for my help

I'm striving for greatness, I'm taking these steps

I shall write out the process

But until I do better, my body will not rest

Counseling and treatment are easy to speak of

I'm getting through Hell 'cause I'm a believer

I believe in the things I've progressed in

Progress is always a good thing

But when I read God's word I realize I can't fly with one wing

I will be an overcomer someday

By ignoring the bad things that people say

By focusing on my hopes and dreams

Logan Mac's Chicken Song (Original)

This use to make me laugh every single time I watch it. Shoot, it still makes me smile! Chicken, Chicken, Chicken that's right1

Prostitution BACK on My Mind

Really thinking hard on going back to the streets. Back to my old clients. Back to getting what I need the only way I can right now. Time to get their numbers. Or at least 2 of them. I need money and can't find a real job. What else is there to do? Wait on God? I need money now! Phone bill. Gas money. Headstart fee. I just need to make this money.

Demons in My Head

I hear the cries from hell. I see the demon itself. What am I to do other than pray and read the bible? I just want to die. Someone kill me now. I cannot handle this. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

The Fight Inside

If I so much as hear about one more mother fucker putting their god damn hands on my mommy. Ima cut a hoe. You only seen the nice side of me. Bitch don't let me get ratchet 'cause I can get ratchet too. Now let a hoe try Indonisha Nicole Clark! I will be in Memphis pretty soon and don't be the reason I come with my hair in a pony tail and fighting clothes on. Ima stomp you in you fucking face. I don't play when it comes to the ones I love. These bitches just don't know. I'll fuck they asses up with the quickness! Dumn ass duck ass dicks!!! Ugh, I'm so fucking mad!!! Trying not to show it because I gotta perform tonight! UGHHHHHH!!!!!! Don't think I won't beat a bitch!! I'll miss my concerts, fail my class, come to Memphis and whoop your mother fucking asses! Now bitch try me!!!! Ian running from no one!

A Burden to All

I am such a burden on people. Why can't I just be normal? Why won't the hallucinations just go away? I just want people to like me and not think I'm a burden. My biggest fear is for everyone INCLUDING God to turn their backs on me because they are tired of dealing with me and my crap. Me and my illnesses. My schizophrenia.Just ME in general. I've decided to withdraw from the world and go back to holding everything in. *sigh*

Signed, A Burden to All

Voices and the Effects

Right now I feel worthless, I feel like I am not good, I feel I am a whore or a slut. So when people call me those names I don't say anything because inside, I believe them. It is really hard to focus with these voices in my head. Pray!

DYING SLOWLY

What is wrong with me? My math grade is dropping. I'm killing myself. Slowly, but surely I am. Eating less than 600 calories a day. But do you want to know what scares me the most? What scares me the most is that I don't care. Like I seriously don't care. That scares the living crap out of me. I want to be able to take care of myself physically and emotionally. What to do? What to do? That's a question I ask everyday. If my stomach doesn't grown then I won't eat. that's just how I work. I know it is really bad for me but when I try to force myself to eat I end up sicker than I was when I didn't eat. Life is like a dream I can't wake up from. Some good, some bad. I hope I get over it. Well the bad dreams at least. I just want to be happy again like when I was eight and use to look up at the clouds and feel peace. I want those moments again. Growing up sucks eggs. SERIOUSLY! 

Nightmares and Prayer

Waking up in the early mornings because of bad dreams. Nightmares. Too afraid to go back to bed because you're afraid that you'll have another one. Lord, help me. I keep having nightmares when I already have enough bad stuff on my mind. Lord, cleanse my mind, my heart. I wanna have joy again. Take away these bad dreams, these nightmares. Place good dreams in my mind. Good thoughts so that I may sleep well. Grant me peace because Lord, you know I need it. In Jesus's name in pray onto the shed blood of the lamb, thank God and Amen.

Why bother?

Life is a black hole that suck up any chances of me being happy or normal. My family doesn't understand and they treat me like Im crazy. I have nobody to turn to. Who can I turn to?! I swear I can't take this. I feel like giving up and giving in. Like what's the point of fighting when you're fighting a war alone?