I've been sick for over a week, since my birthday to be exact. The pain was so intense that I felt like I was being punished for even being born. I mean yeah I have done lots of stuff to deserve it but I guess I never really thought that I would actually have to continue getting punished for being born. As the pain died down I was strong enough to hangout with my boyfriend, or EX-boyfriend. In a weak moment of letting my guard down I had sex. During, I didn't feel anything. No emotion. No pleasure. Nothing. Afterward, I felt pain, both physical and emotional. As we laid there I wanted so badly to cry but I mustn't show signs of weakness. I felt shame, disgust, terror, and confusion. After he left, I questioned my whole life and I realized something. I don't know who I am. I know who I want people to see and I kind of have an idea of who I want to be but as of right now, in this moment, I am lost in the storm of life unable to find shelter. Am I just destined to stay in the same cycle? To be the girl my parents created so that people can use me? Am I still brain washed into believing that I am just the mistake that my parents made one night? Am I just a tool? A product of a lifetime of abuse? My life is just spiraling downward at record speed into a deep, dark abyss. Is this who I've become or is it who I've always been but too afraid to show?
